Stages of Grief

I am mourning my marriage, I acknowledge that. As that popular animated film K-pop Demon Hunters song "Free" said, "We can't fix it if we never face it". So here I am, facing my shame, defeat, and failure. 

Except the survivor in me is protesting those emotions. Why should I feel shame? Why should I claim defeat and failure? I did nothing wrong. I did everything right. I was supportive. I faced my partner's issues. I begged him to fix it. I asked him to heal himself. I left so he wouldn't have to stress about taking care of me (and also because his silence and his ignoring me were becoming unbearable. It was emotional abuse, and he didn't know any better. I left because this was a deal breaker for me.) 

Anyway, I even gave him the tools he needed to heal, d@mn it! I wasn't the spoiled wife we liked to show in public at all. I was slowly teaching him the tools to help him feel more secure and handle adversities on his own. I made him feel secure. I was the least troublesome wife there was. I humored him, kept things interesting, tried not to be too demanding (except for food and the number of hugs he had to give daily). I even got him a dog, despite my allergies. 

If this feels like a rant post, it probably is. It just feels so unfair to do almost everything right and still fail spectacularly. So, after 3 years of crying and heartache, I'm on the anger stage. My weirdness really comes out in the strangest times. This emotion usually comes in the beginning stages of grief, not at the tail end. Maybe it's because things have been in limbo for so long my patience has worn thin. And as more people are aware of my situation, the injustice of it all is making me feel annoyed and mad at him for being so slow in the uptake. Like why do I have to suffer his emotional incompetence? He's not the only one with childhood trauma in this relationship. I handled my shit long before he came to the scene. I deserve the same courtesy.  

 

Quiquay's Self Affirmations

Today I claim my life back.

No, I haven't run away. I'm still happily with the H (well, most days. That's another story). When I say I'm claiming my life back, I am going to try bringing back the old Quiquay - driven, motivated and ambitious to the core. I am going to plan my life and my own financial independence. I want that security. I now realize I can't keep expecting H to take us out of the doldrums. He's not going to leave his job when he loves everybody there. I know it's hard to find the camaraderie like they have. But the pay is peanuts and it's never going to be enough to support both of us if we want to have a more secure future. He's always going to sit there helplessly when all the usual avenues have been explored. Despite all his bluster about being the "rebel", the ironic thing is, he's as traditional as they come.

So again, it's got to be me. Unfortunately, I'm past the point where traditional potential employers would put my resume at the top of the pile and hire me. Being out of the corporate world for three years has ruined any chance of getting my old rate and level back, despite all my other accomplishments as a freelancer and micropreneur. I know I won't be hired at the rate and position I want. They will be asking me to start at a lower level if I'm lucky enough or ignore me altogether because I'm overqualified. So there you go. I can't get hired at my old level because I've been gone too long and I can't get hired at a lower level because I'm overqualified. What's a girl to do?

Why not hire herself? If I can't find the opportunities, I'll make them instead. I need to think out of the box. I'll make an honest-to-goodness business plan and a life plan for me. I will figure out to build something with no money, a laptop, internet connection and an idea. I did it five years ago, I can do it again. If the H wants to stick to where he is, that's his life. It's high time I forge my own path. He did say we should be like two plants growing side by side, not too intertwined that we'd choke each other. I used to think like that right after we got married. High time I untangled myself once more. Less stress for both of us. I can't wait for him to decide what to do with his life. I need to find solutions on my own.

(Now if only getting pregnant was that easy. About that issue, the ball is in his court so again, I told him it was his problem to solve and we're running out of time. Well it is. His problem to solve. After beating myself thinking what was wrong with me, the real question should have been, what was wrong with him?)