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*trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

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I was watching this k-drama series one day and the male lead said something that stuck with me. He was very sick before and undergoing painful treatments. He was asked what helped him go through his ordeal. He answered that while being treated, to pass the time, he would watch dramas. He would get so hooked on a story that he began looking forward to the next episode. 

The next episode. My life is in the middle of no man's land right now, hard to define and with no definite direction. I'm supposed to be smart, and I tried to be sensible in my choices. Well, look where that landed me. Middle-aged, broken, and stuck. 

But it would be unfair to blame anyone for my predicament. I guess it's a win that I left an unbearable situation - not in search of something better, but to protect what we used to have and give space for both parties to heal. Well, gee whiz Q, you're still an effin' mess. One step away from a full-blown depression and stuck with prickly siblings who, on an average day, makes you want to go in the middle of a highway and let a speeding vehicle smash your head to smithereens. (I am a rather vain person so I really don't understand why my dark thoughts latched on this idea. I want to look pretty when I lie on my wake as a corpse, d@mnit!)

In the middle of all this, my sense of responsibility won't let me take a single step out the door to implement this rather detailed, macabre, and messy plan. Plus, I've invested in so many storylines in so many dramas, novels, anime, webtoons, and even sports that I'm motivated to go on to the next day, and the next, in anticipation of watching, reading, or witnessing the next episode or season. 

Life may be hard, but it's still this wonderful tapestry of emotions, thoughts, events, and special moments that I can't wait to witness what's coming next. I still want to look at the rest of my life with optimism. I want to watch the next event, travel to the next destination, discover the next chapter. I want to fall in love again, and be loved and cherished again. Or, if that is too late for me, be filthy rich enough to send an "up yours" to the person who made me this way. 

As my sibling said once in anger, "How dare he?!"

Yup, he's probably not as smart as he thinks he is. 

Next!

Touchstone

I lost my touchstone. 

I have mild anxiety issues. They're mostly manageable, and they're usually work related so in the past, most days I just needed a hug from the hubby and I would be good to go. I playfully referred to him as my touchstone and sometimes just a light touch with him and I would feel all is right in the world. I am recharged and I could face the world again. 

But then, the demons of his past caught up to him, and with massive pressure from work, his normally happy demeanor crumbled. Even my presence and attempts to help did nothing to halt his depression. Two decades of hard work to improve his self-esteem, his emotional quotient down the drain. I couldn't help prevent the crash - I wasn't the one driving. 

The irony is that this once-simp-y partner who did everything to make me stay with him at the beginning became apathetic and uncaring. And I have too much self-worth and self-love to subject myself to that kind of emotional torture. My parents did not raise a matyr. 

So I left two years ago and I'm still waiting for him to come around. Looks like that day isn't coming. In the meantime, he has erased most of me from the house we used to share - most of my knick-knacks and clutter are gone. I guess I should see the writing on the wall.

No choice but to move on. One agonizing step at a time.