Quiquay's Existential Crisis

Quiquay and existential crisis are two words one would hardly associate with each other. Yet here we are at the crossroad, and I have no idea what to do with my life.

Time and time again I've been telling myself and others I wasn't raised to cope with this - an unsure future with no goal in sight. I wasn't raised to be in business yet here I am, taking insane risks with hardly any safety nets. I'm walking in a tightrope with just faith that H would be able to help me cross to the other side. And for the first time in my life, when I ask myself who is the person staring at me in the mirror, I have no idea what the answer is.

For the first three decades of my life I have always been this self-assured person who knew what she wanted out of life and went for them. I was a go-getter and used to making things happen. Learned helplessness was not in my vocabulary. I was the steady one while all others threw their anchor at me, expecting me to solve their problems. Friends never hesitated to call me in the middle of the night and ask me to help calm them down. I never pretended to know the answers right away but I could be counted on to help them realize there was always a solution to their issues.

Yet here I am. Lost in a world of my own making.

I'm stuck in a thankless job of manning a microbusiness that's barely surviving, working 12 to 16-hour days taking in extra work just to pay the bills, a body that's paying for several years of stress and a ticking biological clock the hubby is not doing anything about. I look at the mess-that-is-my-life and ask - how did it come to this?

Sigh. The things we do for love. I work in a hell-hole because of the hubby's dream of being a business owner. I returned to freelancing because it was the only way I knew how to earn a living - aside from being a project manager in a BPO. Unfortunately, it's so difficult to go back to the peak of my career (believe me, I've tried. I went to so many job interviews to remember.) So I try to do the best that I can and console myself by reminding myself I am simply preparing for the future. I told myself I was going to go this path anyway when I become a mother. Ha. Two years later there's not even a sperm cell in sight.

I think I made the mistake of relying on another person for my welfare. As much as I love the hubby, I need to remember I make my own life and career choices. I don't even know if he appreciates the sacrifice. I just hope he does. At least he's still not burdened with a wife who needs to ask money from him.

I don't know who I am right now - nor would I like the answer. However, like the other issues I've encountered in the past, it's up to me to fix my mess.