Next Episode

*trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

_________

I was watching this k-drama series one day and the male lead said something that stuck with me. He was very sick before and undergoing painful treatments. He was asked what helped him go through his ordeal. He answered that while being treated, to pass the time, he would watch dramas. He would get so hooked on a story that he began looking forward to the next episode. 

The next episode. My life is in the middle of no man's land right now, hard to define and with no definite direction. I'm supposed to be smart, and I tried to be sensible in my choices. Well, look where that landed me. Middle-aged, broken, and stuck. 

But it would be unfair to blame anyone for my predicament. I guess it's a win that I left an unbearable situation - not in search of something better, but to protect what we used to have and give space for both parties to heal. Well, gee whiz Q, you're still an effin' mess. One step away from a full-blown depression and stuck with prickly siblings who, on an average day, makes you want to go in the middle of a highway and let a speeding vehicle smash your head to smithereens. (I am a rather vain person so I really don't understand why my dark thoughts latched on this idea. I want to look pretty when I lie on my wake as a corpse, d@mnit!)

In the middle of all this, my sense of responsibility won't let me take a single step out the door to implement this rather detailed, macabre, and messy plan. Plus, I've invested in so many storylines in so many dramas, novels, anime, webtoons, and even sports that I'm motivated to go on to the next day, and the next, in anticipation of watching, reading, or witnessing the next episode or season. 

Life may be hard, but it's still this wonderful tapestry of emotions, thoughts, events, and special moments that I can't wait to witness what's coming next. I still want to look at the rest of my life with optimism. I want to watch the next event, travel to the next destination, discover the next chapter. I want to fall in love again, and be loved and cherished again. Or, if that is too late for me, be filthy rich enough to send an "up yours" to the person who made me this way. 

As my sibling said once in anger, "How dare he?!"

Yup, he's probably not as smart as he thinks he is. 

Next!