How Long Until...?

 I came across this excerpt from Emma Rose Byham from her book Was It Even Abuse?  that describes some of my experience when the H started spiraling into his depression and childhood PTSD rabbit hole. We tend to excuse a lot of behaviors from our partners as one-offs and tolerable because "he's not hitting me". We don't recognize the toxic pattern or constant negative comments, put-downs, explosive rants, and silent treatments because, "of course, if he hit me, I would leave him." 

But what if he doesn't really hit you? What if he's saying, "oh, I just picked her up from a random pile", or "oh, the old ball and chain?" What if he comes home, greets the dog, asks the dog how it was, feed, cuddle, and walk the dog, yet not speak a single word to you? What if he forgets your birthday because he thinks it isn't important enough? What if the silent treatment, when you've done nothing wrong, lasts weeks, or even months? "Oh, he's not hitting me. I don't think it's abuse."

So what is abuse? What sort of action becomes emotional abuse? 

What I do know is that I deserve to be loved, and cherished. I don't deserve to be punished for something I don't even know what.

Winter

 I chanced upon this webtoon one day with a rather weird title (There's a Rat in the House) and decided to check it out (Of course, it helps that it has an 18+ rating (hehehe). But apart from the risque scenes which are normal in most adult romantic relationships, it's a typical boy-meets-girl story, except that this time, it's the girl who rescues the boy one winter night.

Further into the chapters, despite not being able to relate to the girl's motivation and selfishness, I realized what made it resonate with me. It sort of the hubby's story. I was that warmth he clung to that winter. and when the demons of his past became too overwhelming, the warmth left him.

I do feel somewhat guilty, because I should be somewhat responsible for his mental well-being. But even after leaving all the tools and lessons I've taught him over the years, He is stubbornly clinging to old patterns even I no longer recognize. I thought my love and patience would be rewarded by a healed heart but I guess I'm still no match for generational trauma. 

Let's face it Q, in this case, you are not enough.

Cue waterworks.