New Leaf

The company I worked for recently let go of several employees due to slow business and fortunately for me, I was one of them. It's a weird reaction, I know, but if you've worked there, it's actually the best thing to happen to me. Well, the check they gave me was the best thing to happen to my career so far. (hehe)

Well, lucky for me I still have my writing gig so I'm not exactly left with nothing to do. And I know I've a lot of marketable skills. I just hope I find a job soon. But then, working for myself isn't so bad as well. Who knows? I might just become an entrepreneur. =)

Murphy's Law - Quiquay Style

Can life get any weirder than it is right now?

Yup, the coffee-break friend (ex-boylet) strikes back and his proposition left me rather bewildered and staring at his back quizzically.

Did he or didn't he just ask me the unimaginable? (He did.)

Was he kidding? (He wasn't. He was serious.)

Why? (I honestly don't know. But we'll get to that later.)

It started when he asked me for the nth time when I was going to introduce him to the girls I knew, preferably those who were meantime-girl material. Exasperated, I told him bluntly that they were a rare breed (used to be one myself and it isn't exactly a pretty place to be). Most of the females I knew were looking for long-term relationships and I told him quite frankly it wasn't something he could offer.

This I knew from witnessing his latest mini-meltdown stemming from a simple chat with his ex-gf. In my rather unique brand of counselling, I told him that despite of what he thinks that he has moved on with his life, he's still stuck with the past. Unless he lets go of his sweet misery, he's never going to be free. Well, he does have a lot of things going against him - stemming from the fact that he is supposed to be unavailable - in short, he's leg shackled - lock, stock and barrel.

Okay, after that rather blunt set-down from me, he stared at me rather ponderingly and replied, "Then it'll have to be you then."

What???!!! Was he asking me out because he liked me or because he thought I was the last choice? While I was resolved not to let it go anywhere, I don't think I liked the fact that I was a last choice either.

I ignored that comment last week until I got a call from him early this week asking me if I was free to meet with him. I met him at the mall, curious about what he wanted. And it wasn't hard to figure it out once I got there. Still, I ought to be thankful for the ill-timing because even if I had the time, he didn't. (haha! I'm such a meanie.) Things weren't over yet because I needed to know why he would even ask me again knowing I couldn't anymore. Besides, I was not exactly in the best of shape.

So I asked him "Why me?" in my usual way - bluntly. Unfortunately, I didn't exactly get the answer I expected.

"Because you're my friend."

Now what is that supposed to mean?

Well, I didn't ask him further because it made sense to him - and no matter how he explained it, I still wouldn't get it.

Still, thank goodness for some quirky fate that messed up things that night. It wasn't exactly a path I wanted to take. Okay, I'm still tempted (he IS cute) but I would appreciate a little help in avoiding it. hehe.

Best Buddies - Post post P.S.

..... He asked me to coordinate his wedding.

WHAT???? He's getting married??? Is he kidding me??

('Sigh') Yup, it's him. That guy who once (nearly?) broke my heart. Is he nuts? Yes, we're still buddies. Yes, I had a fun, unique, quirky and organized wedding that my guests loved. Yes, I know many vendors that could be used. Yes, I have events management experience and I think I don't do that bad at it.

But this one takes the cake. Nothing prepared me for this sucker punch.

Only in my crazy world was this bound to happen.

Haha. The fates just had to give me this twist. Aaargh! (I better get paid good bucks here - but asa pa. More likely they'd ask me to do it for free. Grrrr. rubbing salt. )

Best Buddies (Old BC Blog)

(originally posted Oct. 8, 2005)

“Ano ba ang nakita mo sa kanya?”

My ex angrily asked me that question after we broke up. What did I see in my buddy anyway? I couldn’t give the ex an exact answer. Was it her eyes that twinkled when she smiled? Was it her fair skin? Or her katarayan ? I told her the only thing that came into my mind.

“It was Fate.”

Yes, fate. I noticed her a long time before I even knew her. All I knew was that she was this girl in her usual outfit of a baby t-shirt, short A-line skirt and sneakers darting in and out of your dormitory that summer. She always seemed to have a sense of purpose, walking ahead without looking around the lobby. Yeah, I found her cute. But she looked mataray. Summer ended and I forgot about her.

I joined this regional org since I wanted to find out more about my adopted province. I had some schoolmates applying too, mostly from the lower batch. It was orientation day when she walked in again, smiling and laughing with her orgmates. I couldn’t believe it. She was a member!
Bidding time for buddies came, and she wasn’t even there. I have been an applicant for more than two weeks now and I haven’t even talked to her yet. Most of my other co-applicants already got their buddies and there was a new one coming up. Impatiently, I bid the highest reasonable amount I could think of and bid for whoever my buddy would be. It went uncontested. Imagine my delight when I found out it was HER.

And still no sign of her. She showed up a week later while I was whiling away the time at the tambayan that afternoon, chatting with my co-apps. We had more chats (and spats) after that, including that eventful buddy date which both of us poured our guts out on hang-ups, angst and traumas to each other.

Sadly, my application didn’t push through, even if we did get declared best buddies on our Talent’s Night. Ironically, we weren’t on speaking terms that night due to a misunderstanding beforehand. You see, I told her my feelings.

One afternoon, days before the Talent’s Night, my co-apps were kidding me about my attraction to her. It so happened she had just arrived while they were at it.

“Hello! What’s up?” she asked.
“He wants to tell you something,” one of my companions pointed at me.
The rat. I’ll get him later.
“Well, what is it?” she looked at me inquiringly.

I tried to hedge and worm my way out of it for more than an hour but this girl knew me and stared at me and wouldn’t let me up. She knew it had something to do with us. And she wouldn’t give up until I told her. And I did. Full of hope and dread and excitement, I did.

I told her I liked her. Very much. And she said, not unkindly, “ I like you too, but as a friend. I’m not closing my doors though. If you’re willing to risk it then let’s see where this would go. But I can’t give you any guarantees.”

“I’m going to break up with my girlfriend”, I blurted out.

“I can’t let you do that just because of me and I can’t give you any assurance that there would be an “us” either.” I was too angry to see the sadness in her eyes. All I knew was that she was rejecting me.

We eventually patched things up and remained good friends even though I wasn’t able to continue my application to their org. I also stayed with my girlfriend. After her graduation, we kept in touch sporadically.

A year later, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was seeing another guy behind my back. Someone better-looking than I was. I was at a low point in my life when she popped up again just after the church service. As usual, she became my sounding board. The one person that didn’t give me bullsh*t, who told me it was going to be all right and who told me what was on her mind – except what she was feeling.

I asked her out a few days later. She finally said yes and we had a wonderful time. Two days later I was knocking at her door at 11:30 in the evening. I just had to tell her how I felt. Needless to say, it was a repeat of the previous conversation.

She didn’t shut her doors though. We went out a couple of more times in the next three weeks and had fun. But I was getting impatient. I didn’t read the signals right.

She’d call me every now and then. She’d hold my hand from time to time and play with it. She asking for a hug and me laughingly giving it to her. She embarrassedly confessed that she’d been having dreams of us kissing. Me actually teaching her how and her surprisingly sweet response. How she couldn’t get out of the car because her legs felt like “jello”. But she never said anything about how she felt. So I read a lot of things wrong. And I believed my ex.

“She likes you only as a friend, not even romantically. Why do you persist on pursuing her?” she told me angrily a few days after I told my buddy how I felt.

I thought about it again and decided that it was an exercise in futility. I gave up. And went out with other girls. More experienced and worldly females.

The next year, I got news that she just had a boyfriend. Well, good for her, I thought, as I dismissed her from my mind. Until we met again after the church service a few months later and she told me about my write-up, the music sheet for a piece she wanted to return and countless notes she wrote and never sent – all addressed to me.

I read them all. It told of a young lady who was falling for her buddy. How broken-hearted she was when he suddenly had a new girlfriend who was obviously prettier and richer than she was. How she was still hoping he’d come back. How he never came back – and she just resolved to be a good friend to him. How she loved and lost and finally moved on.

I think of the hits and misses, the miscommunications and the misunderstanding, the joy I felt when I finally had her in my arms and wish that I had known better. But Fate deemed it so. She’ll only be a friend I can lean on. In the meantime, I still search for The One. Or had I found her and just let her go?
###############

This is how I imagine my buddy would’ve written our story. I hope this will be your closure, as those letters I gave you had been mine before. I can’t think of anything more appropriate to say except (to borrow the words of a friend) - “ I loved you once, if for a while…”

Post Script to the post script:
I wrote this article more than a year ago under a different pseudonym, on a particularly down period of my life, but this story happened years before that. Anyway, I was surprised how this story is so like many other buddies out there. And how uncannily right on the dot to the guy's real story.

...For Better or Worse

....when I said those words during my wedding a few months ago, little did I know how soon the "worse" would come. It's nothing catastrophic or anything bad, but a gradual erosion of good intentions as the stress of everyday life wears us down.

The wedding, while not exactly the romantic dream I was hoping for, was funny and cute. We spent a considerable amount to make it right and exept for a few glitches, it was a nice and memorable one that people talked long after. However, a wedding and a marriage are two different things.

We mostly have good days but I'm afraid the bad days have started coming in increasing frequency. The strain of my having a career, the stress that comes from a challenging and demanding job and his lack of both (job and challenge) is beginning to wear him down. I'm trying to adjust to his needs, not being too demanding and shouldering all financial responsibilities. I have never thrown the fact that I'm the breadwinner right now, because I really appreciate the fact that he does all the housework I hate to do. But is it too much to ask for some time? To talk a walk at the park or at the mall so I could destress? Does he have to throw the fact that I earn a lot more than him to my face when I suggested we do something during the weekend.

Is it a woman's fault when she has a career and she's more successful than most men? I worked hard to be where I'm at and I grew up knowing there were no limits to what I can do, regardless of my gender. I'm not about to let any man, even if I love him very much, clip my wings. I will fly - and let him catch me. The way to a butterfly's heart is not by capturing it - but letting it fly free. He should know. He taught me in the first place.

The Queen's 'Blag!'

My friends know me as a someone to lean on; the strong one who will be there when they are weak; the level-headed girl who can be relied on to look for solutions to life's problems. Someone even compared me to the queen of chess pawns, able to hop anywhere in the board of moral ambiguity, the last one standing when everyone has surrendered, the strongest pawn of the game.

But when that strongest piece needs help, who can she turn to?

Save it 'til the morning after

It lately became a semi-habit of having coffee with this friend (and yes, ex-boylet) at the building cafeteria. In one of those coffee breaks, this song from Duran-Duran happened to play on the radio. With his usual insight, he made me listen to the song and said the it fit my friend M's situation perfectly. He knew (and was witness) to her current search for a fling. He pointed out this particular stanza....

"And you wanted to dance so I asked you to dance

But fear is in your soul

Some people call it a one night stand

But we can call it paradise"

- Duran Duran "Save a Prayer"

I agree it's perfect for M at the moment, with her crazy quest for that perfect fubu. I know I can't stop her but I can definitely keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.

But her current life made me look into that part of my past as well... and part of that past was sitting right across me singing that song with much gusto. Irony of ironies... didn't he realize the song talked about that part of our lives as well?

"Don't say a prayer for me now,

Save it 'til the morning after "

Don't ask, don't tell. You do it and then leave. Don't question your actions, just enjoy the moment. No demands except each other's pleasure. And the next day, act as if nothing happened between the two of you.

Perhaps what made me such a perfect meantime girl was the fact that I never made any indication of wanting to be more than just a friend. He came and then he left. Besides, I wasn't exactly free to be more than just a friend. And I knew he still had hang-ups. But I did wish that I was seen as a cherished friend. 'Snort' I know... wishful thinking.

'Sigh'. Just a day in the crazy life of a girl (pseudo)named Quiquay.

One Night Stand

One Night Stand
by quiquay
Date: 2003-03-17 15:22:45
Topic: Writings - Love Stories - Peyups

(an old essay I wrote a long time ago. Food for thought.)
***************************************


"I want you”.

The words sound simple enough and the meaning is clear. “I want you” – it denotes possession and claim. Its connotation is even clearer – desire. So simple and yet so complex.

You want my body. It’s as simple as that. You wanted more.

So it happened.

And happened again and again and again. And each and every time you came and took and left again with nary a second glance my way. You may give but it was always on your terms and your terms alone. I always got left behind contemplating on the sanity of the situation. I was throwing my better judgment in the wind in search of something that left me feeling - empty.

Empty.

I stared at the wall for what seemed like hours after you left and felt – empty. A sacred act that supposedly expresses one’s feelings for one another felt like an orchestrated activity that one just had to do.

Step 1: Say Hi!
Step 2: Kiss
Step 3: Fondle
Step 4: Get on with it
Step 5: Climax.
Step 6: Wash and say bye-bye.

I suppose the reason why I kept saying yes was because I was looking for that elusive something. But every single time it happened I always felt the same.

Empty.

Love? But I am not in love with you; any more than you are with me. Every time you came I wasn’t the least bit interested on how you lived your life any more than you were with mine. And every time you left I couldn’t care less how you will live your life any more than you care about how I will live mine.

I don’t seek your affection and sweet nothings lovers whisper to each other. Nor do I seek the comfort of your arms for yours are not the one I want.

What then do I want? You? Perhaps.

In this world of impermanence, one tries to look for some semblance of connection. Maybe, in those brief moments that we spend together, I can pretend to be cherished by a fellow being, albeit an empty shell like me.

Again, I ask myself, what do I want? Do I want you beyond the function of sating my body? Would I want you to want me beyond the same function?

My mind looks for answers. The wall remains as it is – blank. And like my heart, empty. Tired from the activity that led to my musings, I turn off the lights and sleep – an empty, dreamless sleep.

**********************

Letting Go

I couldn't access his Friendster page today.

Wait a friggin' minute.... this is the buddy we're talking about. What do you mean I can't access his page? That has never been a problem before. All I wanted to do was see his latest pictures. (And yeah, catch a glimpse of the new girl in his life). I got a bit pissed. Then slightly hurt. (Ganun?) A juvenile issue, I know so I'm not likely to raise the issue to the guy since I don't think there's a point except I'm being a bit too selfish.

... And I miss him. A lot. I shouldn't, I know. It's not as if anything between us can go anywhere.... I'm as shackled as they come and I'm not likely to go anywhere. It these darned "what if's?" And the fact that I can't help but acknowledge I still care for the darned guy.

It's not like I want to. I just can't help it. 'Sigh.'

Okay, enough of the drama. I knew I had to let him go. Last Tuesday's talk was meant to be a goodbye. And it was.

Supposedly.

I would've liked to remain his friend. His buddy. The one who defended him when every one was against him. The one who listened to his angsts. The one who could confide to him all her insecurities. The one he looked at with such a wistful expression as if she was going to disappear. (The one he loved).

Yeah right. Dream on. It was a case of mixed signals and misunderstandings. We're way past that point to ever go back to the way things were.

I've moved on and finally, it looks like he has this time. I would be a distraction. He doesn't need that. He is a distraction. I cannot allow that at this point of my life.

(Oh, but I can wish, can't I?)

This time, I am letting him go. He deserves it. I just hope he remembers me fondly from time to time. Perhaps that should be enough for us.

What If...?

... we had a chance back then? I hate what ifs? and unfortunately, he was one big "if". I was attracted to him then, still am right now though that one is tempered with the knowledge that he would have been the wrong one for me.

In some relationships, one sometimes reaches that time when both of you stand at the edge of the precipice. Either you jump and fall together with the guy or you chicken out and fall back. Well, sad to say I did the latter. Not that I chickened out but rather he read all the things we did wrong. Well, I was partly to blame because men - being men - sometimes lose things in translation.

But enough of that time. I like the friendship we share and those rare moments that I had him all by myself. He was happy. He giggled a lot - a contradiction for such a masculine guy. Yet he giggled like a kid in glee. During those rare times I could be selfish and imagine the what ifs. I know I was being selfish, because I had a life - and a love - of my own and here I was wishing for something more. Admittedly, my motivation is still as muddled now as it was back then.... it's so hard to see someone you care about screw his own life. Yet I knew I had to let him figure out things on his own.

If i had been so much more than a friend, would he have been happier? Would I have made him happy and a better person? Would I have been what I am right now with him? Would I have the unconditional love I enjoy right now with him? Would he have made me his world as I would have done?

Funny though, that when you put things in a balance scale, it would've tipped in his favor rather than mine. What exactly did I get out of it in the past few years? A friendly ear, a shoulder to cry on, headaches, worries and one of the most amazing, heartfelt kisses I've ever received. (Okay, that's unfair because he's really good at it. =( ) He got free counseling, a friend, a suicide help hotline, a shoulder to cry on, an occassional loan and a cheerleader. And me. But this is unfair. I never count what I give freely and it doesn't matter what he got or what I got out of it. I had a friend who understood me most of the time and that was enough. Though I do sometimes wish he was around the times I really needed him. Oh well. That's the problem when you're the strong type. You eventually survive.

What if, indeed? Would we have been happy or would we have broken up in no time at all because of unreconcilable differences? We both have strong personalities and I have the tendency to be the alpha female - a disaster for an alpha male. But I look in his eyes and I know I have a good chance of filling all the empty places in his heart. But would he have done the same for me?

Yeah. (sigh) Some part of me does wish we could've given us a chance. But like all what-ifs, they remain unanswered questions that we'll never know.

Post Script: And as usual, in my lousy timing, I made the comment right after he just committed himself to an old flame and I'm attached hook, line and sinker to the man who did make me his world. :) (And I have no regrets about that at all.)

Midweek Madness

Sometimes I think the fates must be having a laugh courtesy of yours truly. In a truly bizarre twist in this girl's life, four very disparate parts of my life came tumbling down in within 24 hours. The fates conspired to have four former boylets give me a jolt and probably make life more interesting for them. Unfortunately, this girl has the weird ability to actually remain friends with the guys she jilted - or who left her, even if they sometimes act like jerks. Oh well, they'll have their uses one of these days. Still, for a new bride, this is almost as bad as two (or in this case, four) worlds colliding. Hahaha. (sarcasm intended)

First, boylet #1, whom we'll call Giggles, made an appearance at the mall. Well, I actually had to meet him there because he asked a favor. Being the soft-hearted, guillible friend I was, I agreed to help him. Good of him to still drop me off the post office though, I thought he'd just run along. Though why he had to refer to a previous, long ago, (hot) encounter was a hit I didn't expect. Unfortunately for him, cute as he was and willing as I was before, he went for a shallow co-worker and had a fling with her. When he realized his mistake, I had moved on. Oh, but we did resolve our issues since then. =p

Surprise # 2 came when Boylet #2, whom his department called P.J. (Papa something....He IS a cutie), suddenly popped an email inviting me and a colleague for lunch. It turned out he brought food for his group because it was his birthday. Of course, as the boss, he out to feed them - and his contacts at our department. Us. Of course, since I never flirt at work, we discussed very neutral topics during lunch. Why announce to everybody you had a fling with this hot guy anyway? That is one complication I don't want in my life. Besides, with an uber-jealous wifey, he's certainly off-limits. He's eye candy, that's all. But not when he's pairing brown shoes with a pair of black pants. I have my limits. haha.

And then out of the blue #3, the geeky player (I know. Weird no?) sent an inconcous sms saying hi. Well, he's an uber-jerk and I don't want anything to do with the guy, but he's a great software contact (drat. And I need one.). Well, good thing I can control the guy, which is a complete departure of how our relationship was back when I was a very green and naive girl. How I ever found the darned guy appealing is beyond me. (sigh). What can I say? I'm a sucker for really smart and weird guys.

By this point, I was laughing so hard inside and thinking, goodness, just two more and this day tops all of the weird days of my life this year. True enough, #4 and #5 came online later in the day. Since #4 was a childhood friend (CF), I had to say hi. Honestly speaking, in the two decades that I've known him I never would've fathomed we'd have an ONS. Ok, make that 2 really hot nights. Or mornings. Whatever. Anyway, at this point I had enough of the fates and resolved not to get in touch with the dance guy, #5, to hit bingo. Now, he would've been too much for me too handle. I'm usually in control but there is something so darned mesmerizing about this guy I just feel like a hypnotized slave whenever I meet him. Now that does not bode well for me, especially now. No, keep off temptation. hehehe.

They say that every woman should maintain a sense of mystery. She should also have a nice, juicy past to look back to when she grows old. I guess this wallflower has all those, though whatever these boylets see in me still boggles my mind. I'm really not their type. Honestly. Nor do they think I'm easy because they know I can stand up to them and I'm a typical apha, take-charge, annoyingly 'I'm always right' person. So what gives?

Oh well, that's something I'll never understand no matter how hard they explain. It's almost as weird as last Wednesday. How many women you know actually encounter almost all the guys she's been with in a single day anyway? Weird, isn't it? Well, it's an experience I'd rather not repeat. I'm quite happy with the hubby, thank you very much. =)

Ramblings at 1 am

I just visited this blog and realized I haven't written anything in nearly a year. Que horror! Hahaha! For someone who used to earn a living from writing, that long haitus is almost unforgivable.

So what happened? I became a fiancee, a bride and now a wife trying to understand a very moody husband. If in the past I'd have walked out in sheer irritation, at present I have to sit through the entire PMS-ing episode and ride it out. This is soooo weird because women are supposed to be the moody ones due to their hormonal changes. Not me. I got it the other way around.

Alpha female - beta male. A hubby that runs around like a headless chicken and a wifey that's as cool as a cucumber in crisis. This is so darned funny and weird and I'd be laughing about it - if only I wasn't the one involved. Aaargh! Lord! Please grant me the patience to weather the mood swings and not dump a bucketful of ice down his head to cool him down.

Is married life always this much of a roller coaster?