Disclosures:
I am not a femme fatale. If you asked me what made me appealing to men you would probably get a blank stare. I honestly have no idea. And no, I am not one of those pretty girls who are unaware of their looks. Oh, I know the way I look. Every self-respecting kikay girl knows how to make the best of her features. Still, it boggles my mind why guys would be interested in a chubby, cheeky, button-nosed girl like me (past and present). Maybe they liked my wit and personality? Who knows? I never asked.
Anyway, this entry isn't about my body issues (which I don't care much for anyway) but the boylets out there (not always my story though) who, in one way or the other, have helped me cope with the various issues of my life - directly and indirectly. Yes, not all men are jerks and if they were jerks, their bulls**t certainly never got past me.
Well, these events are from another lifetime (as in really long ago) but in a fit of pique (or boredom), I just thought it might be fun to write a semi-fictionalized version of that life. Here goes...
*********************
The beginning....
As a no-boyfriend-since-birth singleton working in the big city, I grew up envying all my friends who were lucky enough to land boyfriends in school or at work. I wanted the tweetums and the drama and the idea of having someone to take care of me. I hardly dated because my workhours rarely gave me the opportunity to mingle and all the guys that were left in my workplace were lecherous old men and unappealing guys. Most of my friends went off to law, med or grad school so I was usually left on my own trying to make a living, climbing up the career ladder and chaperoning two college-aged siblings.
From time to time I would meet with my school buddies and go out with them. Unfortunately, these only happened once in a blue moon so in the end, it still wasn't much of a social life. After a year or two of this scenario, I simply gave up looking and just met my friends for the sheer fun of it.
One of them was a friend I'll call E, a guy I met in one of the organizations I belonged to in college and who loved to dance. E is a tall American with a cute accent when he speaks in Filipino. He was a scholar taking post-graduate Philippine Studies courses. How that related to Physics (his undergrad), I had no idea.
Since he loved to dance and he needed a partner to practice with, I got roped along his weekly dancing sessions. We started meeting every weekend for an hour or so to practice his moves. I mainly did it for the sheer joy of dancing. (No matter how sexily you shake those hips, if you just love to dance, it's just moving to the music - nothing sexual in it, I swear.)
One Saturday night, after making arrangements with our other friends to get together, each and every one bailed out on him. In the end, we were the only ones left to go out. We had a blast - dancing the salsa in one Mexican restaurant and swinging in a disco place. Finally, after a few hours of dancing and drinking (mostly dancing), we decided to call it a night and go home.
Just our luck. The cab we got ran out of gas a few minutes from the house and the driver had to park at the nearby station and get out to get gas. I was chatting away when he suddenly became quiet. As soon as the cabbie left to get gas and water, he turned to me and said, "I like you."
Okay. I just shrugged this off as typical American bluntness and took it with a grain of salt. I replied, "Thanks." I knew he had a crush on me in college but it was nothing like a really strong physical attraction to me. I guess he just found me cute and that was that.
But then he leaned over and kissed me. Lightly. On the lips. Uh-oh. Warning bells rang in my head - he's a friend! Why is he kissing me? A good kisser against an ignoramus like me? No chance at all. I sat there stunned and speechless after that.
The cabbie just took a minute to put water in his carburator and gas in his tank and then we were on our way. I guess I was too stunned because I forgot to ask him to drop me off the house, which was a few blocks before his place. Since he was giving me a tape of all the dances we've been practicing (see, that old - we still used cassette tapes!), I just figured I'll breeze in and out with his tape and take another cab home.
No such luck. As soon as he closed the door to his apartment, he pulled me towards him and kissed me full on the lips - no light starters for this one. It was an assault I had no defenses for. Nor did I want to fight the onslaught. I was feeling lightheaded and all sorts of gooey inside.
His lips were surprisingly soft but firmly persuasive. I had expected it to be all sloppy and wet but it wasn't. Sloppy, that is. He let his tongue slide between my lips, which made me gasp in surprise. He immediately took advantage and deepened the kiss.
My knees were all wobbly at this point and being a good partner, he gently guided me to a chair and settled me in his lap. He seemed content in kissing this novice and he laughed softly when I mewled in contentment.
It seemed that the kiss would go on and on when we heard shuffling and the doorknob turning. We hurriedly pulled apart but there was no time to get off his lap. It was his flatmate. The guy was discreet enough to go straight to his room with hardly a glance at us but the damage had been done. It broke the moment.
I took his tape and took a new cab home a few moments after that. We still met the next weekend to practice our moves but things never went as far as it did the last time. I shrugged off the incident at the back of my mind until my friend asked me years later if it was okay they went out on a date. Huh? Oh, I was the excuse she gave her parents just in case anyone asked her where she was. =) cheeky girl. Laughing at the situation, I shooed her away and gave her my blessings. A kiss does not a couple make.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Boylet Chronicles - Gag Order
Sometimes a girl has a weird set of ethics.
Mine willed me to ask coffee-break friend if it would be alright to blog about the boylets. I figured since future topics might involve him I ought to ask if it was okay to write about the topic. It took him an hour or so to respond to the inquiry and not surprisingly, I got a resounding NO.
Well, he is right that any detail I write about is inviting trouble. However, since I don't think I would become a blogging superstar anyway, I think I could write about situations and opinions in general but never about the particulars. I don't think that's going to land me in hot water anyway.
Still, it would've been fun to write about him. He would probably have taken top prize. =)
Mine willed me to ask coffee-break friend if it would be alright to blog about the boylets. I figured since future topics might involve him I ought to ask if it was okay to write about the topic. It took him an hour or so to respond to the inquiry and not surprisingly, I got a resounding NO.
Well, he is right that any detail I write about is inviting trouble. However, since I don't think I would become a blogging superstar anyway, I think I could write about situations and opinions in general but never about the particulars. I don't think that's going to land me in hot water anyway.
Still, it would've been fun to write about him. He would probably have taken top prize. =)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Boylet - A Definition
First things first. Let's define both words:
boy - (noun) a male child from birth to puberty
-let - (noun) suffix,small one
Therefore a boylet is a small boy? Not. As some blogs metioned, at first take you's think the same way too. However, the origin of the language came from gay-speak for "fling material", like asking "Saan ba may boylet dito?" A boylet is neither boy nor boyfriend.
A boylet is not a boyfriend with commitment rights and all that the title entails. The boylet does not have a committed relationship to the object of lust (or affection, however you put it). For all intents and purposes, a boylet is a casual fling. He's there for sex. And maybe a friendly ear and occasional (hot) date as well. But it's never an affair of the heart. There are unwritten rules, you know.
Now some people may ask, "a casual fling? But why?". Just because. Sometimes, you just want it without worrying about issues like commitment and maintenance. You just want to do it with someone safe and reasonable expectations. It's not the guy that you had a one-night stand (though, sometimes, that's all they get.)
Sounds like every guy's fantasy, right?
No. Guys have feelings and insecurities too. You never call a boylet a boylet to his face, even if he knows it. I don't even think of them as boylets. They're friends who just happen to be doing it with the girl (or guy, to be gender-fair) when the occasion permits it. In and out of that bedroom (or whatever venue you wish), they remain friends. Or at least as neutral accquaintances. Sadly, an intimate exchange of bodily fluids doesn't always translate to intimate feelings at all.
Which just occured to me.... maybe it's time to write down some rules after all. It might help someone out there.
boy - (noun) a male child from birth to puberty
-let - (noun) suffix,small one
Therefore a boylet is a small boy? Not. As some blogs metioned, at first take you's think the same way too. However, the origin of the language came from gay-speak for "fling material", like asking "Saan ba may boylet dito?" A boylet is neither boy nor boyfriend.
A boylet is not a boyfriend with commitment rights and all that the title entails. The boylet does not have a committed relationship to the object of lust (or affection, however you put it). For all intents and purposes, a boylet is a casual fling. He's there for sex. And maybe a friendly ear and occasional (hot) date as well. But it's never an affair of the heart. There are unwritten rules, you know.
Now some people may ask, "a casual fling? But why?". Just because. Sometimes, you just want it without worrying about issues like commitment and maintenance. You just want to do it with someone safe and reasonable expectations. It's not the guy that you had a one-night stand (though, sometimes, that's all they get.)
Sounds like every guy's fantasy, right?
No. Guys have feelings and insecurities too. You never call a boylet a boylet to his face, even if he knows it. I don't even think of them as boylets. They're friends who just happen to be doing it with the girl (or guy, to be gender-fair) when the occasion permits it. In and out of that bedroom (or whatever venue you wish), they remain friends. Or at least as neutral accquaintances. Sadly, an intimate exchange of bodily fluids doesn't always translate to intimate feelings at all.
Which just occured to me.... maybe it's time to write down some rules after all. It might help someone out there.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Boylet Chronicles - The Rules
This isn't a how-to on how to find your own boylet. Honestly, I have no idea how to look for one, I haven't looked for one at all and I'm not looking for one. (That part of my life is over). I don't have a face or body that would launch a thousand ships, much less a paper boat. In that past chapter of my life, the guys just happened to appear when I wasn't even looking and things just fell into place. In short, they were friends long before anything happened.
This is, however, a basic list of rules I tried to follow and could be helpful for others as well. Here goes...
1. NEVER fall in love. This is a given. Forget the fairy tale that he'll come to his senses and see you for the gorgeous and enchanting creature that you are once he sees what he could have. It's not going to happen. If you have good chemistry in bed, he might want to go back. But just for sex. It's the bitter truth so if you can't separate the feeling from the act, don't even go there.
If feelings of conflict (or affection) do appear, give it free rein in your mind - just there, no where else - for around a week or two. Suppressed emotions have a tendency to pop out of nowhere when ignored so just entertain them for a while. Just don't ever contact him, write about it - that includes you FB status- or do anything you would probably regret later. We all have our fantasies of infatuation and love and happily-ever-after but sadly, they don't translate to real life. I think you just need to flush out the feel-good and attachment hormones or endorphins you probably got from an incredibly hot encounter with the guy. By all means, milk it for all its worth (pun intended). After that time period (or a few weeks more, give or take), you'd have probably bored with your thoughts and moved on to the next lust-worthy object (like the latest "it" bag by the store window) or hunky papa P.
2. Be safe. You're friends, not committed partners. You don't know who's he with and neither does he know who you're with (unless you have a total disclosure agreement). Even if you're both healthy, you still have to ensure your safety. It's better not to have to worry about consequences after the act. It's the responsible thing to do. If he won't wear protection, or you don't protect yourself, just make sure you're ready for the consequences if anything unexpected happens.
3. Communicate. Yes, it's mostly a booty call. It's mutually benefitial for both of you. Still, both of you need to communicate what you like and need from the other. Trust me, it'll make for more fun sessions - and a better friendship (if both of you do talk about other stuff). Think of it was a good way to practice for your future significant other.
4. Trust. A no-brainer. Not that you should expect him to be monogamous with you. It's simply making sure he's not a jerk, a leacher, a blabber-mouth or heaven forbid - a serial killer.
5. Be open to new experiences. It's supposed to be an adventure. Try some stuff you haven't done yet for variety - as long as you're comfy doing it. Like a car escapade or the conference room. Just be careful. =)
6. But know your limits. If your friend is into something you're not really into, you don't like or would likely get you into trouble, tell him. And be firm in refusing the offer. You're not obliged to follow his whims. That's why it's a casual thing. If he insists, drop him like a hot potato. There are other fishes in the sea.
7. Keep it between yourselves. Your relationship/transaction with the boylet is between you and him. Keep out discussions of your significant others (ex or otherwise) outside if you don't want to complicate your life. (Unless you're a closet drama queen who is itching to pit two men against each other for your affections. Quit the fantasy, it never ends up well). Or, you can talk about it if you're really good friends who can talk about your exes (or current) with an objective mind.
8. Have fun. It's just sex and it could be fun. Make the O's count. Let go and enjoy the experience.
By all means, there are other unwritten rules out there but these are the major ones I could think of and had followed successfully. It's probably why even when the casual fling ended, I was still friends with the guy. Of course, having a friend who isn't a jerk in the first place helps a lot. =)
This is, however, a basic list of rules I tried to follow and could be helpful for others as well. Here goes...
1. NEVER fall in love. This is a given. Forget the fairy tale that he'll come to his senses and see you for the gorgeous and enchanting creature that you are once he sees what he could have. It's not going to happen. If you have good chemistry in bed, he might want to go back. But just for sex. It's the bitter truth so if you can't separate the feeling from the act, don't even go there.
If feelings of conflict (or affection) do appear, give it free rein in your mind - just there, no where else - for around a week or two. Suppressed emotions have a tendency to pop out of nowhere when ignored so just entertain them for a while. Just don't ever contact him, write about it - that includes you FB status- or do anything you would probably regret later. We all have our fantasies of infatuation and love and happily-ever-after but sadly, they don't translate to real life. I think you just need to flush out the feel-good and attachment hormones or endorphins you probably got from an incredibly hot encounter with the guy. By all means, milk it for all its worth (pun intended). After that time period (or a few weeks more, give or take), you'd have probably bored with your thoughts and moved on to the next lust-worthy object (like the latest "it" bag by the store window) or hunky papa P.
2. Be safe. You're friends, not committed partners. You don't know who's he with and neither does he know who you're with (unless you have a total disclosure agreement). Even if you're both healthy, you still have to ensure your safety. It's better not to have to worry about consequences after the act. It's the responsible thing to do. If he won't wear protection, or you don't protect yourself, just make sure you're ready for the consequences if anything unexpected happens.
3. Communicate. Yes, it's mostly a booty call. It's mutually benefitial for both of you. Still, both of you need to communicate what you like and need from the other. Trust me, it'll make for more fun sessions - and a better friendship (if both of you do talk about other stuff). Think of it was a good way to practice for your future significant other.
4. Trust. A no-brainer. Not that you should expect him to be monogamous with you. It's simply making sure he's not a jerk, a leacher, a blabber-mouth or heaven forbid - a serial killer.
5. Be open to new experiences. It's supposed to be an adventure. Try some stuff you haven't done yet for variety - as long as you're comfy doing it. Like a car escapade or the conference room. Just be careful. =)
6. But know your limits. If your friend is into something you're not really into, you don't like or would likely get you into trouble, tell him. And be firm in refusing the offer. You're not obliged to follow his whims. That's why it's a casual thing. If he insists, drop him like a hot potato. There are other fishes in the sea.
7. Keep it between yourselves. Your relationship/transaction with the boylet is between you and him. Keep out discussions of your significant others (ex or otherwise) outside if you don't want to complicate your life. (Unless you're a closet drama queen who is itching to pit two men against each other for your affections. Quit the fantasy, it never ends up well). Or, you can talk about it if you're really good friends who can talk about your exes (or current) with an objective mind.
8. Have fun. It's just sex and it could be fun. Make the O's count. Let go and enjoy the experience.
By all means, there are other unwritten rules out there but these are the major ones I could think of and had followed successfully. It's probably why even when the casual fling ended, I was still friends with the guy. Of course, having a friend who isn't a jerk in the first place helps a lot. =)
Friday, January 21, 2011
Quiquay -the writer
After several days of frantic writing and proofreading for a client, there is surprisingly little left for me to do for the next few days. I do have several projects lined up but at least I still have the luxury of a few days before turning them in.
So what to do? I've been churning my head for something creative to do when it hit me - write something! But what? Another essay on my recent angst? An advice column? I haven't been the least inspired in that alley lately so I thought I'd give voice to all the fantasies going inside my head for a change.
Well, the blog is about life, love and lust, isn't it? Why not try my hand at the last topic? Unless of course, like previous efforts, I'd blush at my own efforts and stop just when things are getting interesting. Then maybe I'd try my hand at a sexier brand of lit. =)
Hey, just because I'm this boring wife right now doesn't mean I can't have an active imagination anymore. =)
So what to do? I've been churning my head for something creative to do when it hit me - write something! But what? Another essay on my recent angst? An advice column? I haven't been the least inspired in that alley lately so I thought I'd give voice to all the fantasies going inside my head for a change.
Well, the blog is about life, love and lust, isn't it? Why not try my hand at the last topic? Unless of course, like previous efforts, I'd blush at my own efforts and stop just when things are getting interesting. Then maybe I'd try my hand at a sexier brand of lit. =)
Hey, just because I'm this boring wife right now doesn't mean I can't have an active imagination anymore. =)
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Quiquay's Existential Crisis
Quiquay and existential crisis are two words one would hardly associate with each other. Yet here we are at the crossroad, and I have no idea what to do with my life.
Time and time again I've been telling myself and others I wasn't raised to cope with this - an unsure future with no goal in sight. I wasn't raised to be in business yet here I am, taking insane risks with hardly any safety nets. I'm walking in a tightrope with just faith that H would be able to help me cross to the other side. And for the first time in my life, when I ask myself who is the person staring at me in the mirror, I have no idea what the answer is.
For the first three decades of my life I have always been this self-assured person who knew what she wanted out of life and went for them. I was a go-getter and used to making things happen. Learned helplessness was not in my vocabulary. I was the steady one while all others threw their anchor at me, expecting me to solve their problems. Friends never hesitated to call me in the middle of the night and ask me to help calm them down. I never pretended to know the answers right away but I could be counted on to help them realize there was always a solution to their issues.
Yet here I am. Lost in a world of my own making.
I'm stuck in a thankless job of manning a microbusiness that's barely surviving, working 12 to 16-hour days taking in extra work just to pay the bills, a body that's paying for several years of stress and a ticking biological clock the hubby is not doing anything about. I look at the mess-that-is-my-life and ask - how did it come to this?
Sigh. The things we do for love. I work in a hell-hole because of the hubby's dream of being a business owner. I returned to freelancing because it was the only way I knew how to earn a living - aside from being a project manager in a BPO. Unfortunately, it's so difficult to go back to the peak of my career (believe me, I've tried. I went to so many job interviews to remember.) So I try to do the best that I can and console myself by reminding myself I am simply preparing for the future. I told myself I was going to go this path anyway when I become a mother. Ha. Two years later there's not even a sperm cell in sight.
I think I made the mistake of relying on another person for my welfare. As much as I love the hubby, I need to remember I make my own life and career choices. I don't even know if he appreciates the sacrifice. I just hope he does. At least he's still not burdened with a wife who needs to ask money from him.
I don't know who I am right now - nor would I like the answer. However, like the other issues I've encountered in the past, it's up to me to fix my mess.
Time and time again I've been telling myself and others I wasn't raised to cope with this - an unsure future with no goal in sight. I wasn't raised to be in business yet here I am, taking insane risks with hardly any safety nets. I'm walking in a tightrope with just faith that H would be able to help me cross to the other side. And for the first time in my life, when I ask myself who is the person staring at me in the mirror, I have no idea what the answer is.
For the first three decades of my life I have always been this self-assured person who knew what she wanted out of life and went for them. I was a go-getter and used to making things happen. Learned helplessness was not in my vocabulary. I was the steady one while all others threw their anchor at me, expecting me to solve their problems. Friends never hesitated to call me in the middle of the night and ask me to help calm them down. I never pretended to know the answers right away but I could be counted on to help them realize there was always a solution to their issues.
Yet here I am. Lost in a world of my own making.
I'm stuck in a thankless job of manning a microbusiness that's barely surviving, working 12 to 16-hour days taking in extra work just to pay the bills, a body that's paying for several years of stress and a ticking biological clock the hubby is not doing anything about. I look at the mess-that-is-my-life and ask - how did it come to this?
Sigh. The things we do for love. I work in a hell-hole because of the hubby's dream of being a business owner. I returned to freelancing because it was the only way I knew how to earn a living - aside from being a project manager in a BPO. Unfortunately, it's so difficult to go back to the peak of my career (believe me, I've tried. I went to so many job interviews to remember.) So I try to do the best that I can and console myself by reminding myself I am simply preparing for the future. I told myself I was going to go this path anyway when I become a mother. Ha. Two years later there's not even a sperm cell in sight.
I think I made the mistake of relying on another person for my welfare. As much as I love the hubby, I need to remember I make my own life and career choices. I don't even know if he appreciates the sacrifice. I just hope he does. At least he's still not burdened with a wife who needs to ask money from him.
I don't know who I am right now - nor would I like the answer. However, like the other issues I've encountered in the past, it's up to me to fix my mess.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Broken
I must be broken.
I was rationalizing my actions last weekend and the other episodes before that and concluded that there was something really wrong deep down inside me. It's self-destructive behavior, I know, but I can't seem to help it. I know my will is stronger - in most cases I can cope. However, there are days that I can't. Of course, my present issues with the H aren't really helping. 'sigh'.
I'll ponder on this later.
But the long and short of it - I've been broken all along. I just look put together because of a lot of glue and duct tape. And i'm thankful for all the glue and duct tape. At least I haven't crumbled irreparably yet.
Here is a link that might be helpful for anyone who stumbles into this page:
Incest - Effects On Victims
I was rationalizing my actions last weekend and the other episodes before that and concluded that there was something really wrong deep down inside me. It's self-destructive behavior, I know, but I can't seem to help it. I know my will is stronger - in most cases I can cope. However, there are days that I can't. Of course, my present issues with the H aren't really helping. 'sigh'.
I'll ponder on this later.
But the long and short of it - I've been broken all along. I just look put together because of a lot of glue and duct tape. And i'm thankful for all the glue and duct tape. At least I haven't crumbled irreparably yet.
Here is a link that might be helpful for anyone who stumbles into this page:
Incest - Effects On Victims
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Purple Oven
Purple Oven. That's my new goal. Not the brownie brand, although they do make one of my favorite brownies. A real, live, purple oven. A...
