A (frustrated) Wife's Monologue (part 2)

Almost a year to the day I wrote the first part, the same issue rears its ugly head again. This time, I confess I was the guilty party - I was too frustrated to edit my word blurted a rather harsh line - "I wish you were man enough."

It was a typical night of banter when I uttered that line to myself in response to his laughing remark of "What? You don't think I'm man enough to wear it?" A few minutes before dinner I just got rejected again when I suggested we could make a go at it because I was ovulating (I know. Hormones and tempers don't mix). I know it was harsh and his anger was understandable.

I gave him a few minutes to cool off and tried to apologize. He was still fuming and said I might as well post it on Facebook for everybody to see. First, I rarely post about him or us and second, it's always something I find endearing about him. Now tell me if that's undermining him. My private life is just that - private.

Giving up is not in my blood so I tried again. I just got an angry "go find yourself another guy" followed by the silent treatment. I know I hurt him with that thoughtless remark and I accept that. I just wish he saw past that and try to find out what was eating me. I don't need another guy. I want my husband.

One of our friends gave us this book "The Act of Marriage" that advises Christian couples on the importance of sexual love. He refuses to read it. It doesn't really help me much in terms of my drive because it assumes the man is more driven than the wife and not vice versa. It doesn't even advocate masturbation. Great, so we're stuck. But it does say that a thoughtful partner would think about his wife's pleasure. Good luck to me on that.

One of the ironies of married life is that you still can't tell your partner about every opinion and thought you have. You still have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting the balance and you have to appear like a Stepford wife. But I'm not. I'm me. What the heck do I do now?

Post-Script: After doing some retail therapy and another apology from me (aided by an apology coupon stuck to a cute bunny coin bank), we kissed and made up. Lessons learned - filter my thoughts and men have fragile egos.

Quiquay's Existential Crisis

Quiquay and existential crisis are two words one would hardly associate with each other. Yet here we are at the crossroad, and I have no idea what to do with my life.

Time and time again I've been telling myself and others I wasn't raised to cope with this - an unsure future with no goal in sight. I wasn't raised to be in business yet here I am, taking insane risks with hardly any safety nets. I'm walking in a tightrope with just faith that H would be able to help me cross to the other side. And for the first time in my life, when I ask myself who is the person staring at me in the mirror, I have no idea what the answer is.

For the first three decades of my life I have always been this self-assured person who knew what she wanted out of life and went for them. I was a go-getter and used to making things happen. Learned helplessness was not in my vocabulary. I was the steady one while all others threw their anchor at me, expecting me to solve their problems. Friends never hesitated to call me in the middle of the night and ask me to help calm them down. I never pretended to know the answers right away but I could be counted on to help them realize there was always a solution to their issues.

Yet here I am. Lost in a world of my own making.

I'm stuck in a thankless job of manning a microbusiness that's barely surviving, working 12 to 16-hour days taking in extra work just to pay the bills, a body that's paying for several years of stress and a ticking biological clock the hubby is not doing anything about. I look at the mess-that-is-my-life and ask - how did it come to this?

Sigh. The things we do for love. I work in a hell-hole because of the hubby's dream of being a business owner. I returned to freelancing because it was the only way I knew how to earn a living - aside from being a project manager in a BPO. Unfortunately, it's so difficult to go back to the peak of my career (believe me, I've tried. I went to so many job interviews to remember.) So I try to do the best that I can and console myself by reminding myself I am simply preparing for the future. I told myself I was going to go this path anyway when I become a mother. Ha. Two years later there's not even a sperm cell in sight.

I think I made the mistake of relying on another person for my welfare. As much as I love the hubby, I need to remember I make my own life and career choices. I don't even know if he appreciates the sacrifice. I just hope he does. At least he's still not burdened with a wife who needs to ask money from him.

I don't know who I am right now - nor would I like the answer. However, like the other issues I've encountered in the past, it's up to me to fix my mess.