Heartbreak

Note: I wrote this one a year ago, when things took a turn for the worst, and I was seeing no progress in the situation. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me. I was no longer a cherished spouse. I was a stranger. After 2 decades of being together, it was ennui that broke us apart. 

******* 

04222023


I finally broke down. 

This was my first full-on, ugly cry since I noticed a change from the lakay about 2 months ago; about 7 weeks from him dismissing my birthday, and 3 weeks since he admitted he thinks he has depression. As a psych graduate, we’re more attuned than most on psychological disorders and I immediately honed in on asking him to go to a doctor to get tested, a prescription, and sessions to give him the skills to work through it. I was shut down immediately. 

Since his announcement two weeks ago, I’ve been on tether hooks trying to understand and cope. I know I am not at fault, and I would be crazy to blame myself for his condition. But to sit idly by while he suffers and I suffer from the stress, confusion, and anger that my world is crumbling down. I’m used to being the adored wife, not the ignored one. 

I could bear my ego taking a trashing - I’m used to it and I can be pretty resilient given time (and a lot of self-reflecting). But what I can’t bear is a car crash waiting to happen. It’s right in front of my eyes, it’s about to happen, and I can’t sit idly by. 

My head keeps coming back to those vows we made 14 years ago, to stick together “in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in days of laughter and tears.” Darn it, I always keep my promises, and this shouldn’t be any different. You haven’t exactly shared the tears yet, but that’s okay. I am strong enough for both of us. I need to be.