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*trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

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I was watching this k-drama series one day and the male lead said something that stuck with me. He was very sick before and undergoing painful treatments. He was asked what helped him go through his ordeal. He answered that while being treated, to pass the time, he would watch dramas. He would get so hooked on a story that he began looking forward to the next episode. 

The next episode. My life is in the middle of no man's land right now, hard to define and with no definite direction. I'm supposed to be smart, and I tried to be sensible in my choices. Well, look where that landed me. Middle-aged, broken, and stuck. 

But it would be unfair to blame anyone for my predicament. I guess it's a win that I left an unbearable situation - not in search of something better, but to protect what we used to have and give space for both parties to heal. Well, gee whiz Q, you're still an effin' mess. One step away from a full-blown depression and stuck with prickly siblings who, on an average day, makes you want to go in the middle of a highway and let a speeding vehicle smash your head to smithereens. (I am a rather vain person so I really don't understand why my dark thoughts latched on this idea. I want to look pretty when I lie on my wake as a corpse, d@mnit!)

In the middle of all this, my sense of responsibility won't let me take a single step out the door to implement this rather detailed, macabre, and messy plan. Plus, I've invested in so many storylines in so many dramas, novels, anime, webtoons, and even sports that I'm motivated to go on to the next day, and the next, in anticipation of watching, reading, or witnessing the next episode or season. 

Life may be hard, but it's still this wonderful tapestry of emotions, thoughts, events, and special moments that I can't wait to witness what's coming next. I still want to look at the rest of my life with optimism. I want to watch the next event, travel to the next destination, discover the next chapter. I want to fall in love again, and be loved and cherished again. Or, if that is too late for me, be filthy rich enough to send an "up yours" to the person who made me this way. 

As my sibling said once in anger, "How dare he?!"

Yup, he's probably not as smart as he thinks he is. 

Next!

Touchstone

I lost my touchstone. 

I have mild anxiety issues. They're mostly manageable, and they're usually work related so in the past, most days I just needed a hug from the hubby and I would be good to go. I playfully referred to him as my touchstone and sometimes just a light touch with him and I would feel all is right in the world. I am recharged and I could face the world again. 

But then, the demons of his past caught up to him, and with massive pressure from work, his normally happy demeanor crumbled. Even my presence and attempts to help did nothing to halt his depression. Two decades of hard work to improve his self-esteem, his emotional quotient down the drain. I couldn't help prevent the crash - I wasn't the one driving. 

The irony is that this once-simp-y partner who did everything to make me stay with him at the beginning became apathetic and uncaring. And I have too much self-worth and self-love to subject myself to that kind of emotional torture. My parents did not raise a matyr. 

So I left two years ago and I'm still waiting for him to come around. Looks like that day isn't coming. In the meantime, he has erased most of me from the house we used to share - most of my knick-knacks and clutter are gone. I guess I should see the writing on the wall.

No choice but to move on. One agonizing step at a time.

Fantasy

 I feel like I'm living in Fantasy Land these days - not because something wonderful is happening in my life - but because everything-is-out-of-whack Fantasy Land is the only place where life makes sense.

Male lead meet-cutes Female lead. 

Male lead finds Female lead irresistible. 

Male lead fights off other males around the Female lead, marking his territory.

Male lead confesses/courts Female lead. 

Female lead falls for Male lead. They become a couple. 

Leads face relationship/life challenge. They overcome and grow stronger.

They live happily ever after. 

(Or, if you want genders reversed, or same genders involved, that works too. )

This makes sense, because it's logical, because they work together, because they overcome their challenges. Person 1 declares undying love (or endless simping) for Person 2. 

My reality doesn't make sense. I did everything right. Everything still went horribly wrong. I did my time, I did all the hard work. I made him such a green flag even his family's amazed. But I am no match for a stubborn partner and an even more stubborn childhood trauma that won't resolve itself. 

But wait, am I not equipped to handle that? 

I am, but I'm not even allowed in. I had the door shut down several times. I can't help someone who refuses to be helped.

So I'm stuck in Fantasy Land as a temporary coping mechanism as I navigate my own sense of loss and trauma. I am no longer the cherished and much-beloved partner. I have been discarded and set aside. 

Where's my happy ending? 

Overqualified

This was the first time I was being let go for being.... overqualified. Argh, the universe is so not on my side these days.

 

So my sister referred me to this new agency that was looking for remote executive assistance. Since it was my wheelhouse and my other work was manageable, I tried it out. And was surprised when a bunch of obviously pirated training materials were dumped on us with instructions to watch the videos and create a new training outline. 

After delivering that outline, and making suggestions on how to create the company's own brand, we were given another task. And got praised for stellar results. But my colleague who had more frequent errors and mistakes passed the screening and I was let go. I just had to laugh but I'm too much of a professional to be bitter about it. And actually even handed the right words to say to the client. Which is even funnier in hindsight. Oh well, when it's not a good fit, it's not a good fit. We just move on.

Seems like a perfect analogy for the rest of my relationships nowadays. You give too much for too little or no ROI. 

Restart

When your laptop freezes and you need it to continue, what do you do? Make a hard restart, that is. Stop everything you're doing, pray you've saved something, and restart all systems.

Looks like a perfect analogy for my life. Middle-aged, a partner frozen by his complex childhood traumas and current depression, and me in despair on how to deal with everything. I cannot tolerate being ACTIVELY ignored, all attempts at engaging and helping immediately shot down. I was not raised to be a martyr and I love myself enough to care about how it's affecting me. I love my partner, but I won't stand to stay still and just roll with the punches. This is akin to emotional abuse already, regardless of his condition. He still has all his mental faculties so no, if I am to live a healthy life, I have to leave the situation. Which is what I did more than a year ago while I wait for him to come to his senses. He's still not there, and I have no idea when he'll get around to realizing I was the best thing to come to his life and that he needs me in his life. But do I need him back in mine? I have my own problems, and I have to keep everyone together since our parents passed. I just hope we all emerge from this crisis whole and well.

Heartbreak

Note: I wrote this one a year ago, when things took a turn for the worst, and I was seeing no progress in the situation. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me. I was no longer a cherished spouse. I was a stranger. After 2 decades of being together, it was ennui that broke us apart. 

******* 

04222022


I finally broke down. 

This was my first full-on, ugly cry since I noticed a change from the lakay about 2 months ago; about 7 weeks from him dismissing my birthday, and 3 weeks since he admitted he thinks he has depression. As a psych graduate, we’re more attuned than most on psychological disorders and I immediately honed in on asking him to go to a doctor to get tested, a prescription, and sessions to give him the skills to work through it. I was shut down immediately. 

Since his announcement two weeks ago, I’ve been on tether hooks trying to understand and cope. I know I am not at fault, and I would be crazy to blame myself for his condition. But to sit idly by while he suffers and I suffer from the stress, confusion, and anger that my world is crumbling down. I’m used to being the adored wife, not the ignored one. 

I could bear my ego taking a trashing - I’m used to it and I can be pretty resilient given time (and a lot of self-reflecting). But what I can’t bear is a car crash waiting to happen. It’s right in front of my eyes, it’s about to happen, and I can’t sit idly by. 

My head keeps coming back to those vows we made 14 years ago, to stick together “in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in days of laughter and tears.” Darn it, I always keep my promises, and this shouldn’t be any different. You haven’t exactly shared the tears yet, but that’s okay. I am strong enough for both of us. I need to be. 

Hello Again

I have been suffering from a humongous writer's block for the longest time and I thought maybe this entry would house some of  my ramblings and get me going (so I can finally finish a lot of my pending projects).

It is hard, though, when your sanity seems to be hanging by a thread and grief comes at me like a mack truck without warning. I miss my mom badly. And I've been putting off writing anything about it because it's like being trapped in a living nightmare when I relive her last year and last days. It's not easy trying to hold yourself together and continue to function a mere few minutes later because, let's face it, life goes on.

So, hello again. I will have to continue with life and try to honor my mom's memory by helping others as much as I can once more. I know she's smiling down from heaven at us.