What If...?
... we had a chance back then? I hate what ifs? and unfortunately, he was one big "if". I was attracted to him then, still am right now though that one is tempered with the knowledge that he would have been the wrong one for me.
In some relationships, one sometimes reaches that time when both of you stand at the edge of the precipice. Either you jump and fall together with the guy or you chicken out and fall back. Well, sad to say I did the latter. Not that I chickened out but rather he read all the things we did wrong. Well, I was partly to blame because men - being men - sometimes lose things in translation.
But enough of that time. I like the friendship we share and those rare moments that I had him all by myself. He was happy. He giggled a lot - a contradiction for such a masculine guy. Yet he giggled like a kid in glee. During those rare times I could be selfish and imagine the what ifs. I know I was being selfish, because I had a life - and a love - of my own and here I was wishing for something more. Admittedly, my motivation is still as muddled now as it was back then.... it's so hard to see someone you care about screw his own life. Yet I knew I had to let him figure out things on his own.
If i had been so much more than a friend, would he have been happier? Would I have made him happy and a better person? Would I have been what I am right now with him? Would I have the unconditional love I enjoy right now with him? Would he have made me his world as I would have done?
Funny though, that when you put things in a balance scale, it would've tipped in his favor rather than mine. What exactly did I get out of it in the past few years? A friendly ear, a shoulder to cry on, headaches, worries and one of the most amazing, heartfelt kisses I've ever received. (Okay, that's unfair because he's really good at it. =( ) He got free counseling, a friend, a suicide help hotline, a shoulder to cry on, an occassional loan and a cheerleader. And me. But this is unfair. I never count what I give freely and it doesn't matter what he got or what I got out of it. I had a friend who understood me most of the time and that was enough. Though I do sometimes wish he was around the times I really needed him. Oh well. That's the problem when you're the strong type. You eventually survive.
What if, indeed? Would we have been happy or would we have broken up in no time at all because of unreconcilable differences? We both have strong personalities and I have the tendency to be the alpha female - a disaster for an alpha male. But I look in his eyes and I know I have a good chance of filling all the empty places in his heart. But would he have done the same for me?
Yeah. (sigh) Some part of me does wish we could've given us a chance. But like all what-ifs, they remain unanswered questions that we'll never know.
Post Script: And as usual, in my lousy timing, I made the comment right after he just committed himself to an old flame and I'm attached hook, line and sinker to the man who did make me his world. :) (And I have no regrets about that at all.)
In some relationships, one sometimes reaches that time when both of you stand at the edge of the precipice. Either you jump and fall together with the guy or you chicken out and fall back. Well, sad to say I did the latter. Not that I chickened out but rather he read all the things we did wrong. Well, I was partly to blame because men - being men - sometimes lose things in translation.
But enough of that time. I like the friendship we share and those rare moments that I had him all by myself. He was happy. He giggled a lot - a contradiction for such a masculine guy. Yet he giggled like a kid in glee. During those rare times I could be selfish and imagine the what ifs. I know I was being selfish, because I had a life - and a love - of my own and here I was wishing for something more. Admittedly, my motivation is still as muddled now as it was back then.... it's so hard to see someone you care about screw his own life. Yet I knew I had to let him figure out things on his own.
If i had been so much more than a friend, would he have been happier? Would I have made him happy and a better person? Would I have been what I am right now with him? Would I have the unconditional love I enjoy right now with him? Would he have made me his world as I would have done?
Funny though, that when you put things in a balance scale, it would've tipped in his favor rather than mine. What exactly did I get out of it in the past few years? A friendly ear, a shoulder to cry on, headaches, worries and one of the most amazing, heartfelt kisses I've ever received. (Okay, that's unfair because he's really good at it. =( ) He got free counseling, a friend, a suicide help hotline, a shoulder to cry on, an occassional loan and a cheerleader. And me. But this is unfair. I never count what I give freely and it doesn't matter what he got or what I got out of it. I had a friend who understood me most of the time and that was enough. Though I do sometimes wish he was around the times I really needed him. Oh well. That's the problem when you're the strong type. You eventually survive.
What if, indeed? Would we have been happy or would we have broken up in no time at all because of unreconcilable differences? We both have strong personalities and I have the tendency to be the alpha female - a disaster for an alpha male. But I look in his eyes and I know I have a good chance of filling all the empty places in his heart. But would he have done the same for me?
Yeah. (sigh) Some part of me does wish we could've given us a chance. But like all what-ifs, they remain unanswered questions that we'll never know.
Post Script: And as usual, in my lousy timing, I made the comment right after he just committed himself to an old flame and I'm attached hook, line and sinker to the man who did make me his world. :) (And I have no regrets about that at all.)
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