Hanging by a Thread

What do you do when you're barely hanging on to your sanity and everything seems to be falling apart around you? What do you do when it's YOU that everyone is counting upon and you can't afford to show your own weaknesses?

I've been asking myself the same questions for months now, since my sister had an accident and now as my mother got diagnosed with cancer. My sister doesn't exactly have the best social skills and reputation so it was left to me to promise payment for most of what we borrowed. My father was still paying my brother's debts so he couldn't contribute much. My little sister sent what she could but it barely made a dent on the bill. And so, just to be able to take her home, we borrowed from everyone we could.

And so I thought I was making progress when I received news about my mother's health. As much as I was hoping it wasn't anything serious, fate dealt another blow when tests showed it was cancer - the aggressive kind. Never one to give up, I sought as much aid as I can but as I am discovering, there are just too many needy people.

I want to rant and rave at my brother and sister for their inability to meet their own needs but I realized that they aren't as lucky, nor as driven, as I am. As the H is wont to say, not everyone is like me. They really needed help at their times of crisis and family should be there for each other. Yes, I want to snarkily retort I wish they're there with me when I need them but I know it's hard to be of help when you need help yourself.

However, I refuse to give up. It is curable and it will be cured. I refuse to think of any other scenario. I will find more ways to make it possible for my mother to get her chemo. No other option except her recovering is acceptable.

So yes, I am hanging by a thread and I pray I make it. He's gotten me this far, I believe He will take us to the home stretch and get this C-thing beaten once and for all. He has to. Showtime, KrisTV and all those telenovelas my mother loves to watch are already driving me nuts. I want my life back too.

Actually, I just want my mother back to her old hale and healthy self.

Getting ready (or why you should have an unrequited love before you fall in love)

I read this blog from a link a former coach posted over at FB.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/wes-janisen/2013/08/you-should-fall-for-someone-who-doesnt-love-you/

This was my life before the One came along. That one I ended up with. The boy behind the door who was infinitely more interesting than the so-called cute boy-next-door types. While I would boldly go and face each adventure and challenge I met with enthusiasm, the male species and love stumped me. Oh, I had no problem talking to them and being friends but I was always friend-zoned. On the "annoyingly nosy and know-it-all friend" zone. It didn't help that I was competitive and would literally challenge any classmate's dominance. I knew what I wanted and I wanted a guy who could get past that. Sadly, that didn't happen.

The first and longest one was a classmate who was in the class honor roll like me. I was suspicious of anyone trying to knock me off my top perch and he was the number one suspect. We fought like cats and dogs that even teachers had to step in and referee us. (embarrasing, I know.) Funny thing was, we seem to amuse the heck out of them - since our spats usually occur about extra-curricular activities and usually about who was in charge of what. And surprisingly, we actually worked quite well together, planned or improv - we knew each one's strengths and weaknesses and one compensated where it was needed - which was why the teachers kept on making us work together.

Once, his best friend and I got into a weird game of "Let's Pretend" and played a dating couple out of boredom. Funny thing was, everybody knew it, even our parents. The only ones who thought it was for real were the gossipmongers. He knew about the act but he thought that it was just too real. I wanted to let him know what he was missing - and he totally missed the message. I guess we played our roles too well. (Yes, there were definitely sparks between me and the friend but that is another story.) I was the one that got away - due to a foolish bet he made. And he was the one who got away - because I was too proud to let him know I fell for him - hook, line and sinker. We hid our feelings under the facade of friendship and never got past that.

The next one was cute, smart and rich. I had a huge crush on the guy only because he was so nice to me. I'm not sure if he was aware I actually had a crush on him - he probably did - but this time I wasn't stupid enough to conjure weird excuses to see him or be with him. I saw him when I saw him and didn't give a damn whether I was sweaty, sporting a bad scratch on my knee from an unfortunate skirmish at the court, wet and muddy from the rain or dressed to the nines for an event or performance. He eventually started dating pretty girls, which, every time I chanced upon him and whoever he was dating, plunged me into fresh despair. I wanted him to see me as me - plain, messy, dressed up - and fall in love with the weird girl. Sadly, that didn't happen so, I did my best to act nonchalant. Thankfully, it worked most of the time and I didn't embarass myself. (Incidentally, I learned too late that The First Guy was jealous of him!)

This last one was the first of the weird, mysterious types I would eventually fall for. A friend of the cute, smart and rich guy, I started falling for him after a phone conversation about our org's activities. He was funny, cute and strangely self-assured and I wanted to know more about him. This I managed by featuring him on a write-up requested by the smitten girls of our org. He was also nice and smart and had this deep voice that unmade me. Just like that, 'poof', cute, smart and rich guy was set aside for Mr. Quiet Self-assured Guy. I was on friendly terms with him as well so it was easy to be secretly bedazzled with his wit and humor while maintaining my neutral, friendly facade. It didn't help that the entire org was teasing us together but that was just the way they were. And it wasn't news because they've been at it for two years and nothing ever came of it.

I was hoping he'd see more but that didn't happen at all. Even that drinking party I planned was spoiled by another girl confessing her feelings for him. Nice guy that he was, he turned her down gently. I drowned my frustrations - not by another shot of tequila - but by napping until the sun rose and it was time to go home. If he wasn't going to make a move at all, he probably won't, ever.

I spent my high school and college years despairing if I was ever going to find that someone - or if he would find me. Whenever I fell, I fell hard for the guy that never saw me. At one point I tried changing myself - to be meek and docile and submissive - like that ever lasted long. I was loud, messy and quirky long before loud, messy and quirky girls were cool.

But throughout the heartbreaks and disappointments I learned that I had to be me. I was never going to be happy pretending to be someone else. I learned how precious love was because I saw mine get ignored. I learned that the guy has to have seen the abyss like me to ever understand me. And I learned that love comes when you least expect it, at a time when you've accepted yourself, a time when  you're happily single and that special someone is a bonus. And I've learned that there was a great guy out there who would love me for me - loud, quirky and messy - despite being a complete opposite.

 And because I had experienced unrequited love, I never took for granted when it was given back.

Just another day in (so-called) paradise

It's just one of those days when things just pile up one on top of the other and boil over. I don't want to get to the blaming game but why is it that I always end up looking like the bad guy? Maybe it's not enough to work 12-hour days and more. Maybe I need to be superwoman? But I'm not. I wish someone understood that. 'sigh' Yeah, just one of those days.

Sabon

My rather micro-managing wishy-washy of a client was at it again earlier giving conflicting instructions. As usual, I grinned and bore it. And wished to high heavens I could start applying for a new gig elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, I like the client, it's just that that client has its moments. And today was one of them. And yes, I like a bit of direction as well but when you're running hot and cold at the same time it really gets to my nerves. If only I didn't have this sense of responsibility I'd have left that client high and dry. But no, the person doesn't really deserve that so I'll play nice until I really finish this project. And in the meantime, just to calm my temper, I'm going to look at those job ads again. =p

Just because...

Just because...

... I haven't referred to the incident for three decades doesn't mean I forgot it.

... it happened when I was a child doesn't mean it does not affect me as an adult.

... there was no penetration doesn't mean the abuse didn't happen.

... they were doing drugs does not excuse what they did.

... it wasn't my fault doesn't mean I'll feel clean for the rest of my life.

... I chose to ignore them does not mean I've forgiven them. 

... I was a victim doesn't mean I'll spend the rest of my life helpless.

... it happened to me doesn't mean I cannot forge meaningful relationships with others.

There is such a thing as karma and I know they will eventually burn for eternity. I chose to rise above the situation and I deserve my happiness.

Boylet Chronicles: A lady never makes the first move

This is a rather old entry I did but never posted. As you can see from the date, it was a looooooong time ago. Still, some of the lessons could still be used by others, I hope. The guy has long been forgotten and the memory has faded away. Read away....

041206

A lady the never makes the first move.

This rule has been drummed into my stubborn head too many times by the conservative society that I grew up in. But then again, it’s a rule I always chafed under. Now I’m desperately trying to resist the urge to make the first contact with the “guy”.

It’s nothing, really. Just a “hi!” or whatever “witty” nonsense I could conjure out of the hat. But it’s not a good idea. There’s nothing for us to talk about. And nothing for me to say to him , except, “Hey, you owe me P500.” For a disaster, I think I would just have to mark that as a loss. The money is still worth a big deal to a spendthrift like me but given the consequences, I think I could afford to lose that much.

So, how do I motivate myself not to ping him? I mean it’s harmless, right? It’s not as if I’m up to no good. But that’s just the problem. It almost always leads to that direction, though not because I want it to. Or maybe I do?

‘Sigh’. I think it would be more prudent to exercise more caution on my own. In my experience, men aren’t as smart in hiding their escapades as they think. (Just think of the bf.) The smartest thing that they do next is admit to it. Hahaha. Now that is a direction I don’t want him to take.

But it would be so tempting to use my considerable skills in retaliation to that disastrous outing. I mean the female in me wants to humiliate the guy but the romantic in me wants him to fall instead – with a great big “thud”! He would be a considerable opponent – with skills to match my own. That’s probably the reason why I fell flat on face the last encounter in the first place. It’s okay, he placed the blame squarely on his shoulders. But I don’t think he’s repented that much, much to my chagrin.

There are things going for me. He already has a notion that I rarely lie, especially with my emotions. He knows I’m candid and has the misfortune of being unable to refuse dares. But then he knows that I can selectively choose the facts that I disclose and the emotions that I show. Hmmm…… really tempting. I could really see how I could tweak this. This looks like a good match with a worthy adversary. But would it be a game I would be willing to play?

And what if I was too successful in making him fall for me? Would I be willing to break a relationship I helped create anyway? Would I be willing to break someone else’s heart? Would I be willing to make an enemy out of a friend? Would I want him anyway? What if I fell?

I have a very good relationship with the bf – someone I love very much. Would I throw that away simply because I could hardly resist this other one? Will I leave behind 5 years of a solid relationship for a temporary high? I don’t think these are questions I’m willing to face. Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid.

Besides, in all the flings I’ve encountered, I always end up with an unexpected ego-prize ---- I end up being the one they can’t get out of their head. The one that got away. The one they still fantasize.

Maybe I should be happy with that.

Or maybe I should just make this into another story.

Maybe I will. That seems to be a more constructive course of action.

Paradigm Shift

The guys used to want me for my body...

Now they only want me for my cookies.

No really, chocolate chip cookies. Or oatmeal cookies. Or brownies. Or whatever dessert I manage to concoct in my kitchen when the mood suits me. What's up with that?

Hey, I'm not complaining. I just find it weirdly (and privately) hilarious my cookies are now taking the center stage. This one time, Alpha guy dropped by for a quick visit because he "missed" me and once he got to my house, went immediately for the cookie jar.

And then there's the childhood friend who, whenever he finds out I'm heading their direction, I get a cryptic SMS saying, "Cookies!" And if you think that comes with strings attached, you've got it wrong. He'll drive by the shop, drop a belated "hi!", smooch internet time from this laptop to show me his latest pictures online ( I call it his 'Show and tell', grab his cookies and wave goodbye. It's like raising a teenager. Haha.

I was forced to learn baking by my then-pregnant and migraine-prone mom when I was 10 years old so we could have snacks for recess breaks at school. As active kids, we definitely needed to learn how to cook and bake our own food because our parents wouldn't give us an allowance and one of them was out of commission for a few months.

After those few months, I hardly held the mixer or the spatula for the next 20 years. I even protested when the H bought this 5-burner range saying it was too big. But he loved cooking and he owns the kitchen so I said, what the heck? I eat what he cooks with relish anyway- well, most of the time.

A few months later, my mother suddenly showed up at our doorstep and simply said, "Let's make some fruitcake!" It's a tradition in our place where nearly each family had their own version. After a few days she left with nearly all of the fruitcake with her, happy that she was able to continue with tradition.

After that event, I decided to experiment with some recipes, with my cookies apparently being the most successful, since the h and the sis would happily munch them, even fighting for the last piece. Then my friends followed. Oh yes, some catfights and grudges have happened because of those cookies, particularly between childhood friend and another close friend. One time the former ate like 10 for breakfast and another 5 during lunch and left crumbs for the other one. Goodness.

Well, it is kind of nice to be looked at another way other than a booty call but it does take some adjusting to be seen as a food source. Literally. Talk about paradigm shift. Haha