A (frustrated) Wife's Monologue

This is my vagina monologue.

Many vagina monologues tackle very serious issues of rape, genital mutilation, cheating, misconceptions, the wonder of discovering climax, the glory of making a vagina sing, the liberation of the female and the miracle of childbirth. I don't even know if my problem is a serious one. It seems so trivial compared to all the problems in the world. However, maybe enough partners feel the way I do. Maybe a lot of us suffer in silence. Do we keep quiet like the "good" wives we ought to be, or do we speak up and voice our frustrations?

This is a monologue of a plain housewife at her wits' end on how to make her sex life with her husband work.

I learned about the joy of sex from him, when we were just beginning to date. For the first time in my life, I learned about multiple orgasms, sensitive body zones, receiving and giving pleasure. I learned how to love my imperfect body, express how I feel and communicate in a language as old as time. My body was a vessel. Every kiss, every touch, every look, every sound and every expression was a way of communicating my needs and pleasure. At the same time, his every kiss, touch, sound and expression was a feedback to the pleasure I was giving him.

That was nine years ago.

As the years passed, the kisses became pecks on the cheeks, the erotic touches became affectionale hugs. The sex was okay, but very few and far in between. I thought it was okay. There were other ways of keeping the romance alive than just sex.

Then we became engaged.

We didn't make love for one and a half years until our wedding night.

The wedding night, while awash with anticipation, was so-so because we were both so tired from all the preparations. The wedding went off without a hitch, and every guest ooohed and aaahed with every goo-goo eyed look we gave each other. After that night, the sex got fewer and farther in between and orgasms even rarer than before. At first it was the stress of him being out of work but after he found work, it was the stress of work that got in the way. He would be tired, irritable and generally not in the mood to do anything else but eat, read, play his video games and sleep. I kept quiet, except for a few grumbles. I tried to understand the pressures he was going through, especially since I also used to work in a highly stressful environment.

Friends advised me to wear sexy underwear, talk seductively, rub myself against him and dance in front of him. Guess what? They all failed spectacularly. My lacy underpants only see the light of day when I'm wearing clothes that require no visible panty lines (VPL). The flimsy negligee never left the dark corners of my closet sinces my wedding night. My dancing (and I'm a fairly good dancer) only elicited this response from him - "You look like a wriggling worm". The seductive talk earned me an annoyed "hmp" and a "shoo" because I dared interrupt his reading or his game.

Since the husband has been acting denser as the months passed, I became bolder and more blunt as well. I would blurt out when I was in the mood. I would get his promise to set aside some time for sex. He broke almost all of those promises and then accuse me of being too demanding when I'd confront him about it. Take note, I already made it clear I'm in the mood most days of the month, except when I'm having my monthly flow. Most men would count themselves lucky to have a wife who wants him as often as possible. However, in consideration to his feelings, I only ask for his time once a month. How much clearer do I have to be to get my message across?

Last night was the latest dud.

I asked if we could do it later in the day. He promised me we would. We were teasing and laughing as we usually do and then I whispered my intent. He said go ahead and lay there like a limp doll. I said i needed some help getting in the mood. He gave me a blank look. I thought I didn't make myself clear so I clarified I wanted some foreplay to get in the mood. My body needed his help to get ready. My vagina needed his help in stoking its fire. He asked if I was looking for a fight. I gently said I just needed some encouragement to start. He got angry, put his shirt back on and said he'd rather sleep. Then he turned his back on me. I sat there with a stunned look on his back like a cold bucket of water was poured over me.

I just got rejected again.

Is there something wrong with me?

Did I do it wrong? Did i break an unwritten rule I wasn't aware of? Was I pushing too hard? Was a bit of foreplay too much to ask?

I love my husband very much. So much so that I would sacrifice part of what makes me ME for him. I strain against the walls around me right now. I left a very promising career to start his dream of starting his own business. I made it into a smashing success despite all the odds against me. I let him have all the credit despite doing almost everything. I asked for so little in return. I just wanted to be treated as a wife. A loving, cherished and desirable wife.

I know he loves me. Who else would be willing to do the cooking and the laundry and his own ironing simply because I hated doing them myself? I appreciate the lunches he prepares and the extraordinary lengths he goes through just to make those wonderful meals. And I tell him so. However, I hate to say it but I am not Stripe. I'm not content to remain a caterpillar with just her feelers hugging her loved one. I am Yellow. I am a butterfly. I am meant to fly.

He used to fly with me.

Intimacy is supposed to be one to the three sides of complete love, along with commitment and attraction. It is supposed to be a physical expression of love; yet another way of reinforcing the bonds of that commitment and attraction. without it, everything just seems so bland.

I am a woman. I have needs. I want it maybe as much as some guys do. I want it more than once a month which is the most the husband can manage right now. I don't want to settle for crumbs when I'm starving for nourishment. I want to feel connected. I want to feel like a cherished woman who wants to reciprocate. I want to know that despite my imperfections, I am still desired.

I want to know if I'm worth it. I want to know if the guy cares enough about my wants and my needs to work for my release. I know it's a two-way street and I gladly give as much as I receive. I do not need a straight, hard pole just lying there. If I wanted an inanimate object, i'd have taken out my toy and inserted fresh batteries instead. I might get more pleasure from there.

I want to live life. And I am so willing to give. My heart, my mind and my body are overflowing to share ME. Please? All I want is to matter. I just want to be a woman.

I just want us to fly together again.

(The Vagina Monologues is a collection of essays by Eve Ensler and a groundbreaking play about women and women's rights. I love her work and it opened up my eyes to the wonder that is my womanhood.)

in Limbo

In Limbo-land. Yup, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere waiting for the hubby to decide on our future - do we buy a business and leave me to manage it, have a baby within the year or not? He's been dilly-dallying about it for so long I finally gave him an ultimatum to make a decision in the next few weeks and make it happen. I cannot waste my life forever sitting in a small, hot aquarium doing mindless tasks.

To be fair to the H, he finally acknowledged (in front of his mom!) that I was responsible for the success of this small venture. Ha! It isn't the moon but I'll take the compliment since he dishes it out ever-so-rarely. But even my mom knows I'm meant for bigger things and not just a small shop and she has very little idea of what I used to do for a living.

So, the countdown begins. If I don't get pregnant this quarter, or he doesn't get this shop or whatever, I am going to go back to looking for better income opportunities. I'm so tired of living like a pauper. (Translation: having the hubby pay for all the house bills.)

"not tonight dear"

Normally, the wives tell this phrase to their husbands. Unfortunately in my weird world, it's the other way around. Funny, the hubby is looking at me like I'm an alien. Hello! It's not like I'm demanding marital relations every single freaking day. Gosh, the last time we had any was six months ago! How weird is that?

As with any newly-married couple, the next question is always - when are you going to have a baby? As if it doesn't make things worse as it is. And his relatives look at me as if there's something wrong with me. Hello!!! You cannot make babies through immaculate conception. Virgin Mary, I am not.

Yes, it's a ranting blog. Yes, I'm am so friggin' upset and frustrated that the last person I want to see is him. I have tried to be patient and understanding but it's leading me nowhere. And no, the usual seduction techniques do not work on him. If he was one of the boylets, I'd have turned him on so high he won't want to leave the bed. (Well, several indecent proposals ought to give you an idea where I'm coming from - unfortunately, I can't indulge in any of them anymore. I'm supposed to have left that life behind me.) Yeah, yeah, I know. That small selfish part of me wishes it wasn't so. But it is selfish and it is behind me now so I must (damn it!) literally grin and bear it.

.... and make sure I have a supply of AA batteries with me. Looks like I'm going to need it for some time. (sigh)

(hey, it comes with a health benefit. I get fit PC muscles and less cramping during my period. But of course, it would've been better to have it on a live, breathing, participating hubby, right? grrrrr.....)

rants and raves (not)

Family.... love 'em or hate 'em, they're stuck to you like a flea to a dog. While I have my issues with my rather irresponsible sisters, the one that earned my ire today is my rather snotty cousin and her ideas of success.

To be fair to her, she just asked a simple question what I was working on based on one of my Facebook statuses. While my friends simply encourage me with "go, go,go!", the cousin had to butt her head in and demand what I was working on. So in my rather sweet but snarky way I wrote that I was doing short projects for a corporate client. I can't exactly divulge the name on the internet since I just freelance but the next opportunity I get I will go to a full, detailed explanation of what I exactly do. Hmp. At least coffee-break friend appreciates the kind of analysis and writing I have to do. My snotty relatives do not. One of these days.....

Oh well, perhaps she means well. Still... I hate it when they start making you feel like the lowliest of lows. Oh well... I still snagged the best hubby around. Now I just need to produce the best babies. hehehe (bad).

...nuninuninu.... (twiddling my thumbs)

It's another one of those nights when I'm supposed to have a lot to do but I'm so bored I could cry. However, I relish the relative peace and quiet I have right now, away from the cacophony of noise at work. Still, it isn't me to be idle so here I am, blogging for all it's worth. (Nobody reads my blogs anyway. =) Still... It's here if you guys want to know what's on my rather woozy brain.

The past few weeks have been spent trying to make a fledging business work, trying (unsuccessfully) to collect on a few debts (c'mon! I was there when you needed help. I just want that help back. ASAP.), propping up a rather bruised ego and counseling a few friends. It's interesting how some parts of my personality emerge whatever situation I find myself in.

First, I hate failure. And i can still be persevering when the need arises. Maybe it's one of the reasons why despite mourning a career I am not sure I could get back to, I managed to make my small shop a success. Hey, I've only been operating for 2 months but at least I know I'm able to maintain its revenue stream, despite my chronic lateness (hehehe).

One surprising thing I found out a few days ago was that apparently, counselling is my calling. Well, not on a professional basis but even my friends would do. A friend recently confided her marriage was on the rocks and I had to help her process it in such a way that she has to find a resolution to the issue rather than resort to a quick and easy break. Of course, I had to ask the coffee-break guy for help because my friend had to see both points of view (hers and the SO). (Interestingly enough, we work well together. haha.)

Well, in between article assignments, a rather grumpy hubby (haay), a fledging micro-business and my own insecurities and what-nots, I still say it's been a rather interesting life so far. In between mindless games of "Plants vs. Zombies" (my latest stress-buster).

(Now... can I please go back to the corporate world? Or someone take pity on me and make me win the lottery. hehe)

Musings and what-nots

Okay... guilty pleasure number... what the heck, I was bored out of my mind and needed something to laugh at.

The blog and multiply site in question was by a rather weird friend who is part genius, part weirdo, a brilliant writer, rather sweet but blunt and utterly clueless about girls. Gosh, sometimes I cannot believe I went out with the guy (and had fun naman. In an innocent way. It was college.)

Okay, I'm being mean. But the cosplay was the final straw. Not the pirate or army-looking stuff. It was him pretending to be Edward Cuellen from Twilight. Robert Pattison you're not, my friend. Anyway, just goes to show you how fate is so right sometimes. I liked Jacob Black better. =)

Brain Freeze

Ennui has set in.

Four months of fruitless job searching is starting to take its toll. I'm angsty, irritable and close to despair as the job websites feature precious little of the jobs I'm qualified. I knew beforehand how hard the jobmarket would be in this economy but sometimes you can't help but hope you'd be the exemption to the norm. Just my luck.

I can't help but wonder if my qualifications are lacking, I can't do the job or I just had the misfortune of meeting bosses who think that a diploma or the number of people handled are accurate measures of being a good leader. Maybe they are factors but I can't help wishing they could look beyond the obvious and look for someone more forward-thinking. (Yes, mainly me. =p, I'm allowed to be cheeky. It's my blog after all.)

I guess I'm just not happy being stuck at home right now although I know of a lot of people who would rather have my life. Well, it just goes to show how we humans just can't get no satisfaction. Well, I like that my office commute is just a flight of stairs 5 minutes after I wake up and I don't have a boss looking over my shoulder if I'm wasting company resources on Facebook. I don't like the stiffling midday heat and the lack of company though. But that's how it is.

I suppose I should feel lucky that I have several clients I receive a steady stream of work from. Not many people who lose their job have a fallback plan they can rely on while I had them simply waiting for my return. And somehow, when one source's volume starts going down, somehow one or another source picks up the slack. Sometimes I have too much work coming in I have to turn down some assignments.

I do feel lucky but the constant writing and thinking can sometimes take their toll. It isn't easy churning out insights and analysis all the time. And since I'm a social creature, cabin fever is a constant challenge. I am so desperate for company I chat with almost everybody I encounter - interviewers, interviewees, friends and sometimes even strangers. It doesn't help that the hubby is so mum about his work and is usually too tired to talk to me when he comes home at night. Now I so try to understand his side but being alone all day can drive one crazy.

Oh well. Unfortunately, this situation is predicted to last for a few more months so I'd have to wait for the right company that can finally afford to hire me (hahaha). In the meantime, I ought to focus my attentions to my freelance work. I guess as long as I can pay my share of the bills things are still all right. I do have a lot to be thankful.

Here's crossing my fingers it doesn't drive me nuts in the meantime. =)