...For Better or Worse

....when I said those words during my wedding a few months ago, little did I know how soon the "worse" would come. It's nothing catastrophic or anything bad, but a gradual erosion of good intentions as the stress of everyday life wears us down.

The wedding, while not exactly the romantic dream I was hoping for, was funny and cute. We spent a considerable amount to make it right and exept for a few glitches, it was a nice and memorable one that people talked long after. However, a wedding and a marriage are two different things.

We mostly have good days but I'm afraid the bad days have started coming in increasing frequency. The strain of my having a career, the stress that comes from a challenging and demanding job and his lack of both (job and challenge) is beginning to wear him down. I'm trying to adjust to his needs, not being too demanding and shouldering all financial responsibilities. I have never thrown the fact that I'm the breadwinner right now, because I really appreciate the fact that he does all the housework I hate to do. But is it too much to ask for some time? To talk a walk at the park or at the mall so I could destress? Does he have to throw the fact that I earn a lot more than him to my face when I suggested we do something during the weekend.

Is it a woman's fault when she has a career and she's more successful than most men? I worked hard to be where I'm at and I grew up knowing there were no limits to what I can do, regardless of my gender. I'm not about to let any man, even if I love him very much, clip my wings. I will fly - and let him catch me. The way to a butterfly's heart is not by capturing it - but letting it fly free. He should know. He taught me in the first place.

The Queen's 'Blag!'

My friends know me as a someone to lean on; the strong one who will be there when they are weak; the level-headed girl who can be relied on to look for solutions to life's problems. Someone even compared me to the queen of chess pawns, able to hop anywhere in the board of moral ambiguity, the last one standing when everyone has surrendered, the strongest pawn of the game.

But when that strongest piece needs help, who can she turn to?

Save it 'til the morning after

It lately became a semi-habit of having coffee with this friend (and yes, ex-boylet) at the building cafeteria. In one of those coffee breaks, this song from Duran-Duran happened to play on the radio. With his usual insight, he made me listen to the song and said the it fit my friend M's situation perfectly. He knew (and was witness) to her current search for a fling. He pointed out this particular stanza....

"And you wanted to dance so I asked you to dance

But fear is in your soul

Some people call it a one night stand

But we can call it paradise"

- Duran Duran "Save a Prayer"

I agree it's perfect for M at the moment, with her crazy quest for that perfect fubu. I know I can't stop her but I can definitely keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.

But her current life made me look into that part of my past as well... and part of that past was sitting right across me singing that song with much gusto. Irony of ironies... didn't he realize the song talked about that part of our lives as well?

"Don't say a prayer for me now,

Save it 'til the morning after "

Don't ask, don't tell. You do it and then leave. Don't question your actions, just enjoy the moment. No demands except each other's pleasure. And the next day, act as if nothing happened between the two of you.

Perhaps what made me such a perfect meantime girl was the fact that I never made any indication of wanting to be more than just a friend. He came and then he left. Besides, I wasn't exactly free to be more than just a friend. And I knew he still had hang-ups. But I did wish that I was seen as a cherished friend. 'Snort' I know... wishful thinking.

'Sigh'. Just a day in the crazy life of a girl (pseudo)named Quiquay.

One Night Stand

One Night Stand
by quiquay
Date: 2003-03-17 15:22:45
Topic: Writings - Love Stories - Peyups

(an old essay I wrote a long time ago. Food for thought.)
***************************************


"I want you”.

The words sound simple enough and the meaning is clear. “I want you” – it denotes possession and claim. Its connotation is even clearer – desire. So simple and yet so complex.

You want my body. It’s as simple as that. You wanted more.

So it happened.

And happened again and again and again. And each and every time you came and took and left again with nary a second glance my way. You may give but it was always on your terms and your terms alone. I always got left behind contemplating on the sanity of the situation. I was throwing my better judgment in the wind in search of something that left me feeling - empty.

Empty.

I stared at the wall for what seemed like hours after you left and felt – empty. A sacred act that supposedly expresses one’s feelings for one another felt like an orchestrated activity that one just had to do.

Step 1: Say Hi!
Step 2: Kiss
Step 3: Fondle
Step 4: Get on with it
Step 5: Climax.
Step 6: Wash and say bye-bye.

I suppose the reason why I kept saying yes was because I was looking for that elusive something. But every single time it happened I always felt the same.

Empty.

Love? But I am not in love with you; any more than you are with me. Every time you came I wasn’t the least bit interested on how you lived your life any more than you were with mine. And every time you left I couldn’t care less how you will live your life any more than you care about how I will live mine.

I don’t seek your affection and sweet nothings lovers whisper to each other. Nor do I seek the comfort of your arms for yours are not the one I want.

What then do I want? You? Perhaps.

In this world of impermanence, one tries to look for some semblance of connection. Maybe, in those brief moments that we spend together, I can pretend to be cherished by a fellow being, albeit an empty shell like me.

Again, I ask myself, what do I want? Do I want you beyond the function of sating my body? Would I want you to want me beyond the same function?

My mind looks for answers. The wall remains as it is – blank. And like my heart, empty. Tired from the activity that led to my musings, I turn off the lights and sleep – an empty, dreamless sleep.

**********************

Letting Go

I couldn't access his Friendster page today.

Wait a friggin' minute.... this is the buddy we're talking about. What do you mean I can't access his page? That has never been a problem before. All I wanted to do was see his latest pictures. (And yeah, catch a glimpse of the new girl in his life). I got a bit pissed. Then slightly hurt. (Ganun?) A juvenile issue, I know so I'm not likely to raise the issue to the guy since I don't think there's a point except I'm being a bit too selfish.

... And I miss him. A lot. I shouldn't, I know. It's not as if anything between us can go anywhere.... I'm as shackled as they come and I'm not likely to go anywhere. It these darned "what if's?" And the fact that I can't help but acknowledge I still care for the darned guy.

It's not like I want to. I just can't help it. 'Sigh.'

Okay, enough of the drama. I knew I had to let him go. Last Tuesday's talk was meant to be a goodbye. And it was.

Supposedly.

I would've liked to remain his friend. His buddy. The one who defended him when every one was against him. The one who listened to his angsts. The one who could confide to him all her insecurities. The one he looked at with such a wistful expression as if she was going to disappear. (The one he loved).

Yeah right. Dream on. It was a case of mixed signals and misunderstandings. We're way past that point to ever go back to the way things were.

I've moved on and finally, it looks like he has this time. I would be a distraction. He doesn't need that. He is a distraction. I cannot allow that at this point of my life.

(Oh, but I can wish, can't I?)

This time, I am letting him go. He deserves it. I just hope he remembers me fondly from time to time. Perhaps that should be enough for us.

What If...?

... we had a chance back then? I hate what ifs? and unfortunately, he was one big "if". I was attracted to him then, still am right now though that one is tempered with the knowledge that he would have been the wrong one for me.

In some relationships, one sometimes reaches that time when both of you stand at the edge of the precipice. Either you jump and fall together with the guy or you chicken out and fall back. Well, sad to say I did the latter. Not that I chickened out but rather he read all the things we did wrong. Well, I was partly to blame because men - being men - sometimes lose things in translation.

But enough of that time. I like the friendship we share and those rare moments that I had him all by myself. He was happy. He giggled a lot - a contradiction for such a masculine guy. Yet he giggled like a kid in glee. During those rare times I could be selfish and imagine the what ifs. I know I was being selfish, because I had a life - and a love - of my own and here I was wishing for something more. Admittedly, my motivation is still as muddled now as it was back then.... it's so hard to see someone you care about screw his own life. Yet I knew I had to let him figure out things on his own.

If i had been so much more than a friend, would he have been happier? Would I have made him happy and a better person? Would I have been what I am right now with him? Would I have the unconditional love I enjoy right now with him? Would he have made me his world as I would have done?

Funny though, that when you put things in a balance scale, it would've tipped in his favor rather than mine. What exactly did I get out of it in the past few years? A friendly ear, a shoulder to cry on, headaches, worries and one of the most amazing, heartfelt kisses I've ever received. (Okay, that's unfair because he's really good at it. =( ) He got free counseling, a friend, a suicide help hotline, a shoulder to cry on, an occassional loan and a cheerleader. And me. But this is unfair. I never count what I give freely and it doesn't matter what he got or what I got out of it. I had a friend who understood me most of the time and that was enough. Though I do sometimes wish he was around the times I really needed him. Oh well. That's the problem when you're the strong type. You eventually survive.

What if, indeed? Would we have been happy or would we have broken up in no time at all because of unreconcilable differences? We both have strong personalities and I have the tendency to be the alpha female - a disaster for an alpha male. But I look in his eyes and I know I have a good chance of filling all the empty places in his heart. But would he have done the same for me?

Yeah. (sigh) Some part of me does wish we could've given us a chance. But like all what-ifs, they remain unanswered questions that we'll never know.

Post Script: And as usual, in my lousy timing, I made the comment right after he just committed himself to an old flame and I'm attached hook, line and sinker to the man who did make me his world. :) (And I have no regrets about that at all.)

Midweek Madness

Sometimes I think the fates must be having a laugh courtesy of yours truly. In a truly bizarre twist in this girl's life, four very disparate parts of my life came tumbling down in within 24 hours. The fates conspired to have four former boylets give me a jolt and probably make life more interesting for them. Unfortunately, this girl has the weird ability to actually remain friends with the guys she jilted - or who left her, even if they sometimes act like jerks. Oh well, they'll have their uses one of these days. Still, for a new bride, this is almost as bad as two (or in this case, four) worlds colliding. Hahaha. (sarcasm intended)

First, boylet #1, whom we'll call Giggles, made an appearance at the mall. Well, I actually had to meet him there because he asked a favor. Being the soft-hearted, guillible friend I was, I agreed to help him. Good of him to still drop me off the post office though, I thought he'd just run along. Though why he had to refer to a previous, long ago, (hot) encounter was a hit I didn't expect. Unfortunately for him, cute as he was and willing as I was before, he went for a shallow co-worker and had a fling with her. When he realized his mistake, I had moved on. Oh, but we did resolve our issues since then. =p

Surprise # 2 came when Boylet #2, whom his department called P.J. (Papa something....He IS a cutie), suddenly popped an email inviting me and a colleague for lunch. It turned out he brought food for his group because it was his birthday. Of course, as the boss, he out to feed them - and his contacts at our department. Us. Of course, since I never flirt at work, we discussed very neutral topics during lunch. Why announce to everybody you had a fling with this hot guy anyway? That is one complication I don't want in my life. Besides, with an uber-jealous wifey, he's certainly off-limits. He's eye candy, that's all. But not when he's pairing brown shoes with a pair of black pants. I have my limits. haha.

And then out of the blue #3, the geeky player (I know. Weird no?) sent an inconcous sms saying hi. Well, he's an uber-jerk and I don't want anything to do with the guy, but he's a great software contact (drat. And I need one.). Well, good thing I can control the guy, which is a complete departure of how our relationship was back when I was a very green and naive girl. How I ever found the darned guy appealing is beyond me. (sigh). What can I say? I'm a sucker for really smart and weird guys.

By this point, I was laughing so hard inside and thinking, goodness, just two more and this day tops all of the weird days of my life this year. True enough, #4 and #5 came online later in the day. Since #4 was a childhood friend (CF), I had to say hi. Honestly speaking, in the two decades that I've known him I never would've fathomed we'd have an ONS. Ok, make that 2 really hot nights. Or mornings. Whatever. Anyway, at this point I had enough of the fates and resolved not to get in touch with the dance guy, #5, to hit bingo. Now, he would've been too much for me too handle. I'm usually in control but there is something so darned mesmerizing about this guy I just feel like a hypnotized slave whenever I meet him. Now that does not bode well for me, especially now. No, keep off temptation. hehehe.

They say that every woman should maintain a sense of mystery. She should also have a nice, juicy past to look back to when she grows old. I guess this wallflower has all those, though whatever these boylets see in me still boggles my mind. I'm really not their type. Honestly. Nor do they think I'm easy because they know I can stand up to them and I'm a typical apha, take-charge, annoyingly 'I'm always right' person. So what gives?

Oh well, that's something I'll never understand no matter how hard they explain. It's almost as weird as last Wednesday. How many women you know actually encounter almost all the guys she's been with in a single day anyway? Weird, isn't it? Well, it's an experience I'd rather not repeat. I'm quite happy with the hubby, thank you very much. =)