Overqualified

This was the first time I was being let go for being.... overqualified. Argh, the universe is so not on my side these days.

 

So my sister referred me to this new agency that was looking for remote executive assistance. Since it was my wheelhouse and my other work was manageable, I tried it out. And was surprised when a bunch of obviously pirated training materials were dumped on us with instructions to watch the videos and create a new training outline. 

After delivering that outline, and making suggestions on how to create the company's own brand, we were given another task. And got praised for stellar results. But my colleague who had more frequent errors and mistakes passed the screening and I was let go. I just had to laugh but I'm too much of a professional to be bitter about it. And actually even handed the right words to say to the client. Which is even funnier in hindsight. Oh well, when it's not a good fit, it's not a good fit. We just move on.

Seems like a perfect analogy for the rest of my relationships nowadays. You give too much for too little or no ROI. 

Restart

When your laptop freezes and you need it to continue, what do you do? Make a hard restart, that is. Stop everything you're doing, pray you've saved something, and restart all systems.

Looks like a perfect analogy for my life. Middle-aged, a partner frozen by his complex childhood traumas and current depression, and me in despair on how to deal with everything. I cannot tolerate being ACTIVELY ignored, all attempts at engaging and helping immediately shot down. I was not raised to be a martyr and I love myself enough to care about how it's affecting me. I love my partner, but I won't stand to stay still and just roll with the punches. This is akin to emotional abuse already, regardless of his condition. He still has all his mental faculties so no, if I am to live a healthy life, I have to leave the situation. Which is what I did more than a year ago while I wait for him to come to his senses. He's still not there, and I have no idea when he'll get around to realizing I was the best thing to come to his life and that he needs me in his life. But do I need him back in mine? I have my own problems, and I have to keep everyone together since our parents passed. I just hope we all emerge from this crisis whole and well.

Heartbreak

Note: I wrote this one a year ago, when things took a turn for the worst, and I was seeing no progress in the situation. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me. I was no longer a cherished spouse. I was a stranger. After 2 decades of being together, it was ennui that broke us apart. 

******* 

04222022


I finally broke down. 

This was my first full-on, ugly cry since I noticed a change from the lakay about 2 months ago; about 7 weeks from him dismissing my birthday, and 3 weeks since he admitted he thinks he has depression. As a psych graduate, we’re more attuned than most on psychological disorders and I immediately honed in on asking him to go to a doctor to get tested, a prescription, and sessions to give him the skills to work through it. I was shut down immediately. 

Since his announcement two weeks ago, I’ve been on tether hooks trying to understand and cope. I know I am not at fault, and I would be crazy to blame myself for his condition. But to sit idly by while he suffers and I suffer from the stress, confusion, and anger that my world is crumbling down. I’m used to being the adored wife, not the ignored one. 

I could bear my ego taking a trashing - I’m used to it and I can be pretty resilient given time (and a lot of self-reflecting). But what I can’t bear is a car crash waiting to happen. It’s right in front of my eyes, it’s about to happen, and I can’t sit idly by. 

My head keeps coming back to those vows we made 14 years ago, to stick together “in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in days of laughter and tears.” Darn it, I always keep my promises, and this shouldn’t be any different. You haven’t exactly shared the tears yet, but that’s okay. I am strong enough for both of us. I need to be. 

Hello Again

I have been suffering from a humongous writer's block for the longest time and I thought maybe this entry would house some of  my ramblings and get me going (so I can finally finish a lot of my pending projects).

It is hard, though, when your sanity seems to be hanging by a thread and grief comes at me like a mack truck without warning. I miss my mom badly. And I've been putting off writing anything about it because it's like being trapped in a living nightmare when I relive her last year and last days. It's not easy trying to hold yourself together and continue to function a mere few minutes later because, let's face it, life goes on.

So, hello again. I will have to continue with life and try to honor my mom's memory by helping others as much as I can once more. I know she's smiling down from heaven at us.

Hanging by a Thread

What do you do when you're barely hanging on to your sanity and everything seems to be falling apart around you? What do you do when it's YOU that everyone is counting upon and you can't afford to show your own weaknesses?

I've been asking myself the same questions for months now, since my sister had an accident and now as my mother got diagnosed with cancer. My sister doesn't exactly have the best social skills and reputation so it was left to me to promise payment for most of what we borrowed. My father was still paying my brother's debts so he couldn't contribute much. My little sister sent what she could but it barely made a dent on the bill. And so, just to be able to take her home, we borrowed from everyone we could.

And so I thought I was making progress when I received news about my mother's health. As much as I was hoping it wasn't anything serious, fate dealt another blow when tests showed it was cancer - the aggressive kind. Never one to give up, I sought as much aid as I can but as I am discovering, there are just too many needy people.

I want to rant and rave at my brother and sister for their inability to meet their own needs but I realized that they aren't as lucky, nor as driven, as I am. As the H is wont to say, not everyone is like me. They really needed help at their times of crisis and family should be there for each other. Yes, I want to snarkily retort I wish they're there with me when I need them but I know it's hard to be of help when you need help yourself.

However, I refuse to give up. It is curable and it will be cured. I refuse to think of any other scenario. I will find more ways to make it possible for my mother to get her chemo. No other option except her recovering is acceptable.

So yes, I am hanging by a thread and I pray I make it. He's gotten me this far, I believe He will take us to the home stretch and get this C-thing beaten once and for all. He has to. Showtime, KrisTV and all those telenovelas my mother loves to watch are already driving me nuts. I want my life back too.

Actually, I just want my mother back to her old hale and healthy self.

Getting ready (or why you should have an unrequited love before you fall in love)

I read this blog from a link a former coach posted over at FB.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/wes-janisen/2013/08/you-should-fall-for-someone-who-doesnt-love-you/

This was my life before the One came along. That one I ended up with. The boy behind the door who was infinitely more interesting than the so-called cute boy-next-door types. While I would boldly go and face each adventure and challenge I met with enthusiasm, the male species and love stumped me. Oh, I had no problem talking to them and being friends but I was always friend-zoned. On the "annoyingly nosy and know-it-all friend" zone. It didn't help that I was competitive and would literally challenge any classmate's dominance. I knew what I wanted and I wanted a guy who could get past that. Sadly, that didn't happen.

The first and longest one was a classmate who was in the class honor roll like me. I was suspicious of anyone trying to knock me off my top perch and he was the number one suspect. We fought like cats and dogs that even teachers had to step in and referee us. (embarrasing, I know.) Funny thing was, we seem to amuse the heck out of them - since our spats usually occur about extra-curricular activities and usually about who was in charge of what. And surprisingly, we actually worked quite well together, planned or improv - we knew each one's strengths and weaknesses and one compensated where it was needed - which was why the teachers kept on making us work together.

Once, his best friend and I got into a weird game of "Let's Pretend" and played a dating couple out of boredom. Funny thing was, everybody knew it, even our parents. The only ones who thought it was for real were the gossipmongers. He knew about the act but he thought that it was just too real. I wanted to let him know what he was missing - and he totally missed the message. I guess we played our roles too well. (Yes, there were definitely sparks between me and the friend but that is another story.) I was the one that got away - due to a foolish bet he made. And he was the one who got away - because I was too proud to let him know I fell for him - hook, line and sinker. We hid our feelings under the facade of friendship and never got past that.

The next one was cute, smart and rich. I had a huge crush on the guy only because he was so nice to me. I'm not sure if he was aware I actually had a crush on him - he probably did - but this time I wasn't stupid enough to conjure weird excuses to see him or be with him. I saw him when I saw him and didn't give a damn whether I was sweaty, sporting a bad scratch on my knee from an unfortunate skirmish at the court, wet and muddy from the rain or dressed to the nines for an event or performance. He eventually started dating pretty girls, which, every time I chanced upon him and whoever he was dating, plunged me into fresh despair. I wanted him to see me as me - plain, messy, dressed up - and fall in love with the weird girl. Sadly, that didn't happen so, I did my best to act nonchalant. Thankfully, it worked most of the time and I didn't embarass myself. (Incidentally, I learned too late that The First Guy was jealous of him!)

This last one was the first of the weird, mysterious types I would eventually fall for. A friend of the cute, smart and rich guy, I started falling for him after a phone conversation about our org's activities. He was funny, cute and strangely self-assured and I wanted to know more about him. This I managed by featuring him on a write-up requested by the smitten girls of our org. He was also nice and smart and had this deep voice that unmade me. Just like that, 'poof', cute, smart and rich guy was set aside for Mr. Quiet Self-assured Guy. I was on friendly terms with him as well so it was easy to be secretly bedazzled with his wit and humor while maintaining my neutral, friendly facade. It didn't help that the entire org was teasing us together but that was just the way they were. And it wasn't news because they've been at it for two years and nothing ever came of it.

I was hoping he'd see more but that didn't happen at all. Even that drinking party I planned was spoiled by another girl confessing her feelings for him. Nice guy that he was, he turned her down gently. I drowned my frustrations - not by another shot of tequila - but by napping until the sun rose and it was time to go home. If he wasn't going to make a move at all, he probably won't, ever.

I spent my high school and college years despairing if I was ever going to find that someone - or if he would find me. Whenever I fell, I fell hard for the guy that never saw me. At one point I tried changing myself - to be meek and docile and submissive - like that ever lasted long. I was loud, messy and quirky long before loud, messy and quirky girls were cool.

But throughout the heartbreaks and disappointments I learned that I had to be me. I was never going to be happy pretending to be someone else. I learned how precious love was because I saw mine get ignored. I learned that the guy has to have seen the abyss like me to ever understand me. And I learned that love comes when you least expect it, at a time when you've accepted yourself, a time when  you're happily single and that special someone is a bonus. And I've learned that there was a great guy out there who would love me for me - loud, quirky and messy - despite being a complete opposite.

 And because I had experienced unrequited love, I never took for granted when it was given back.

Just another day in (so-called) paradise

It's just one of those days when things just pile up one on top of the other and boil over. I don't want to get to the blaming game but why is it that I always end up looking like the bad guy? Maybe it's not enough to work 12-hour days and more. Maybe I need to be superwoman? But I'm not. I wish someone understood that. 'sigh' Yeah, just one of those days.